Joke thread

[PhillyGirl]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

[Yeti]

Every day Tony, from South Philly, who was a big man, would go to the park and eat his lunch, a Cheesesteak with the works.  Across the street from the park was a health food store.  They owner told his cashier, "Every day I watch that heavy guy eat a large Cheesesteak for lunch, he should try something healthy so he will live longer."  The health store owner sat down on the bench next to Tony.  "Hi, I'm the owner of that health food store across the street and I noticed you could use a change in your lunch diet."  Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat a large Cheesesteak at lunch every day?"

South Philly Tony answered, "No, he minded his own farging business."

[Father Demon]

Every day Tony, from South Philly, who was a big man, would go to the park and eat his lunch, a Cheesesteak with the works.  Across the street from the park was a health food store.  They owner told his cashier, "Every day I watch that heavy guy eat a large Cheesesteak for lunch, he should try something healthy so he will live longer."  The health store owner sat down on the bench next to Tony.  "Hi, I'm the owner of that health food store across the street and I noticed you could use a change in your lunch diet."  Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat a large Cheesesteak at lunch every day?"

South Philly Tony answered, "No, he minded his own farging business."

Is this story about CheesesteakDude?

[MURP]

found this in the daily news:

Josh from KC made my day with this

chuckle he sent ESPN.com's Page 2:

"I came up with a foolproof idea for disproving that the WNBA is a real sport. You choose a person from a city that has a WNBA team and ask him the following question, 'Would you rather your WNBA team win the championship or be walking along and find a $5 bill on the ground.' So far I haven't found anyone that will choose the championship."

[PhillyGirl]

lmfao MURP...I read that this morning...was the first thing I read...LOL

[MadMarchHare]

A college QB star and his coach walk into the Dean's office.
The Dean says, "I'm sorry, coach, but you're boy's grades just aren't good enough to play."
Coach says, "C'mon, Dean, we got our homecoming game coming up against our arch-rival.  I gotta have the kid out there."
Dean considers, then says, "OK, the kid has a history exam coming up.  If he can ace it, he can play."
The kid and coach walk out of the office.  The kid says, "Coach, I can't pass that test.  I haven't even attended a class."
Coach says, "Don't worry, kid, I got it all figured out."
A week passes, and the coach is called in to the Dean's office.
Dean says, "Well, coach, I got the grades from the history exam, and your boy scored a 98."
Coach:  "Hey that's great!"
Dean:  "Hold on coach, our brightest student also took this exam, and he also scored a 98."
Coach:  "So, they both studied hard."
Dean:  "Well, I had a trick question put on the exam, one which has no right answer.  The smart kid wrote 'I don't know.'"
Coach:  "So?"
Dean:  "Your boy wrote 'Me neither'".

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run
to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf
and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives
him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I
would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"

[ILLEAGLE]

ok, I can't resist.
1) A baby seal walks into a club.

2) 2 Native Americans were riding horseback through the woods, 1 a cheif, the other a teen. The cheif stops his horse, gets off, and puts his ear to the ground and listens for a few seconds. He gets up and says, "the buffalo come". Completely amazed, the younger one says "how can you tell that!?" The cheif rubs the side of his face and says, "sticky".

this next one is just wrong.

3) A 5 year old girl is wandering around her house, and goes into the bathroom where her mother is getting dressed for work. The litle girl points between her mother's legs and says "mommy, what is that?" The mother replies, "that's my vagina." The little girl says "when am I gonna get one of those?" The mother says "you already have one, but you won't need it for a long time." So the little girl goes into her parents' bedroom, where her father is getting dressed. She points between his legs and says, "daddy, what is that?" The father says "well honey, that's my pecker". She asks, "when am I gonna get one of those?" The father replies, "in about 5 minutes when your mother goes to work".

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

Boo to #3.  Jeezus, at least make the girl a little older than 5.

[MURP]

ok, I can't resist.
1) A baby seal walks into a club.

2) 2 Native Americans were riding horseback through the woods, 1 a cheif, the other a teen. The cheif stops his horse, gets off, and puts his ear to the ground and listens for a few seconds. He gets up and says, "the buffalo come". Completely amazed, the younger one says "how can you tell that!?" The cheif rubs the side of his face and says, "sticky".

this next one is just wrong.

3) A 5 year old girl is wandering around her house, and goes into the bathroom where her mother is getting dressed for work. The litle girl points between her mother's legs and says "mommy, what is that?" The mother replies, "that's my vagina." The little girl says "when am I gonna get one of those?" The mother says "you already have one, but you won't need it for a long time." So the little girl goes into her parents' bedroom, where her father is getting dressed. She points between his legs and says, "daddy, what is that?" The father says "well honey, that's my pecker". She asks, "when am I gonna get one of those?" The father replies, "in about 5 minutes when your mother goes to work".

1.   

2. 

3. heard it before, but it is a classic. 

[NGM]

Shortly after Adam & Eve had just got done getting busy for the first time God comes down and sees Adam sitting alone.  God says to Adam:  What you just did was wrong.  Where is Eve I need to tell her as well.  Adam says:  She just went down to the river to clean up.  God says.  Damn! Now we will never get the smell out of the fish.

[MadMarchHare]

3. heard it before, but it is a classic. 

It's on the first page of this thread [best PG imitation][/best PG imitation]

[Yeti]

Shortly after Adam & Eve had just got done getting busy for the first time God comes down and sees Adam sitting alone.  God says to Adam:  What you just did was wrong.  Where is Eve I need to tell her as well.  Adam says:  She just went down to the river to clean up.  God says.  Damn! Now we will never get the smell out of the fish.

A clown and a 5 year old boy are walking through the woods at dusk.  The boy says "Mister, these woods are scary." And the clown says "How do you think I feel, I gotta walk out of here alone."

[mussa]

Shortly after Adam & Eve had just got done getting busy for the first time God comes down and sees Adam sitting alone.  God says to Adam:  What you just did was wrong.  Where is Eve I need to tell her as well.  Adam says:  She just went down to the river to clean up.  God says.  Damn! Now we will never get the smell out of the fish.

A clown and a 5 year old boy are walking through the woods at dusk.  The boy says "Mister, these woods are scary." And the clown says "How do you think I feel, I gotta walk out of here alone."

They all float down heeere.....(evil clown voice)

[MDS]

So this guy is (orally pleasing his girlfriend  ) and he comes upon a small pea. A bit odd, but not goin make a big deal out of it. So he continues and he now comes upon a small carrott. The guy is a bit ticked by this, figures if he gets one more thing he's goin say something. So he continues, and then comes upon a  nice chunk of celary. The guy's like thats it, I gotta something. So he says "baby, you sick or something?" The women lifts up her head and says "no, but the guy before you was.


A guy walks into a whore house and says to one skanky looking ho "I betcha I can guess how many guys you farged today. If I do, you gotta farg me for me. If not, I'll pay you $1000." The women figures he has no shot, so she agrees. So the guy goes into her room and closes the door. He comes back 5 minutes later and says "You farged 12 guys today." The womens likes "Damnit. How'd you know it?" He replies "I drank your douche water and counted the lups."