Joke thread

[Tomahawk]

Another one e-mailed to me:

Corporate Ladder
After a two year-long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls become.

[SD_Eagle5]

Governor Schwarzenegger is in the process of moving into his office, when he finds two envelopes in a safe. The envelopes are numbered 1 and 2. So he calls Grey Davis up and asks him why he left them there. The ex Governor tells Arnold, "If you're ever in trouble, open envelope #1, it will save your ass". Roughly 6 months go by, and things aren't going well for Arnold. So he reaches in the safe and pulls out the envelope marked 1. He opens it up and finds a letter from Grey Davis which says: "If you're ever in trouble, blame everything on me...trust me, it will work". So Arnold goes public and blames everything on Grey. Problem solved. A couple more months pass by, and things are going bad again. So Arnold opens envelope #2, which says: "Prepare two evelopes...."

[RomeyRome]

Here's some pretty funny ones, I don't know if they have been posted and I'm NOT going to look through this entire thread to find out.  Some I'm sure you've heard and some you haven't.  The usual men vs. women jokes.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[ballhawkdawk]

Subject: Luck of the Irish~!!

The Dublin Duo

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did
you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what
school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what
year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a
long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[yankee clipper]

an angel came down to earth and allowed two statues 15 minutes of human life. A man statue and a woman statue naturally went behind the bushes and for seven minutes there were squeals and grunts and yelps and moans. They ran out sweating and grinning and the angel said, "You still have 8 minutes left". The woman turned to the man and said, Okay lets do it again , except this time you hold the pigeon down and I get to shtein on it"

[joneszilla]

Q:  What is Snoop Doggs favorite kind of weather?






A: Drizzle

[Sgt PSN]

Q:  What is Snoop Doggs favorite kind of weather?






A: Drizzle

Fo' shizzle.  Dat joke be da sheezy on da heezy.  

[PhillyGirl]

hehe...thought this one was cute:

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshtein with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore --
you're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

[Syracuse]

LMAO, PG. Good one.

[PhillyGirl]

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

[hunt]

Buttercups.........
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of
smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the puzzy willows."

Dave shouts back,
"DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !!"

[Syracuse]

Fred was a bad man, so when he passed on, he went to hell.
Upon his arrival, Fred was disappointed by the lack of excitement and the heat down there. He wandered upon another lost soul who told Fred he'd show him the ropes in hell.

"Hey, asked the lost soul, do you smoke?"
Fred says, "Yes, I smoke."
"Good, you'll love Monday's. Monday's, we can smoke all we want to. Cigars and cigs, whatever. Smoke all you want to on Monday's! Who cares that it's bad for you, we're already dead."
Fred is astonished.

"Hey, asked the lost soul, do you gamble?"
Fred say's, "Oh yeah, I gamble."
"Oh, then Tuesday's are the day for you! We can gamble at the poker tables and card games all day and all night. Skies the limit!"
Fred's thinking, WOW! This place is'nt so bad!

"Hey, asks the lost soul, do you do drugs?"
Fred say's, "Man, I love drugs!!"
"Oh, well than Wednesday's are the day of the week for you, friend! Any drug you want, weed, smack, coke, hash, heroin..... It's all there for the taking, as much as you care for!"
Fred's simply amazed.

"Hey, asks the lost soul, do like hard liquor?"
Fred say's, "That's my favorite!"
"Oh, well then Thursday's your can't miss day! It's all in abundance. Drink 'til you can't drink no more!"
Fred is beyond words with joy.

"Hey, asks the lost soul, are you gay?"
Fred say's, "Uh, no......."
"Uh-oh, you're not going to like Fridays....."

[PhillyGirl]

(sorry if this was already posted)

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost." I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shtein again, you're in my closet now".

[General_Failure]

Terrible joke. Everybody knows priests don't have sex with women.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

"Uh-oh, you're not going to like Fridays....."