Joke thread

[Greenfeather]

My girlfriend confronted me the other day...she asked me if I had been having sex behind her back? I said "yeah, who the hell did you think it was?'

[Yeti]

My girlfriend confronted me the other day...she asked me if I had been having sex behind her back? I said "yeah, who the hell did you think it was?'

[Yeti]

A Three-year-old little boy was examining his
testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

Maxim magazine's $200 joke this month:
(by the way, JLH is the cover girl)

A man takes his seat on a place to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.
"Business trip or vacation?" he asks.
"Business," she replies. "The annual sex convention."
"What are you doing there?"
"Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality," she answers.
"Like what?" says the guy.
"People think African men are the most endowed, but it's actually Native Americans men," she says. "And another mytch is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it's actually men of Jewish descent.  Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity."
Blushing, the woman adds, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying all of this.  I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," says the man. "Tonto Goldstein.  But my friends call me Boudreaux."

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

Some runner-ups:

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar, and each woman orders her drink using only an abbreviation.
"I'll take one BL," says the brunette to the bartender.  He hands her a Bud Light.
"One MT, please," orders the redhead.  The bartenders makes her a mai tai.
"I'll have a 26," says the blonde.
"What the hell is that?" asks the bartender.

"Duh," says the blonde. "A 7 & 7."

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A nun wearing a full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her in the face.  Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut.  She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in the sides.  A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, he yells...

"You're not so tough, are you, Batman?!?"

[Greenfeather]

If you do not like your spouses family:

"So honey, will your whole family be coming over for dinner? Or, just the ones that can walk upright?

[Phanatic]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, 
and knocks on the door. The trucker  lowers the window,
and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the
door.  Again, the trucker lowers the window.  As if
they've never spoken, the blonde  says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car,
runs up, and knocks on the truck  door.

The trucker lowers the window.  Again she says, "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light.  When he stops this time,
he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to
the blonde.  He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says. "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA
and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."

[mussa]

Why don't Sri Lankians shower?

Cause they wash up on the beach.

Im going to hell.......

[Yeti]

 

What is the fastest animal in the world?

A chicken in Ethiopia.

[rjs246]

What do fat chicks do in the summer?



Stink.

[hbionic]

Why don't Sri Lankians shower?

Cause they wash up on the beach.

Im going to hell.......

Reminds me of another 'funny' one....

What is Osama Bin Ladens favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

[Yeti]

What is Iraqs national bird.

"Duck"

[mussa]

What is the fastest animal in the world?

A chicken in Ethiopia.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him .... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

[Yeti]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home

when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like

hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,

and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked

up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from

Kentucky;

This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee

hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the

second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This

duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi

hunting license.  The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed

its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from

South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled

at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,

"You tell me. You're the expert."