Joke thread

[MURP]

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".

[stillupfront]

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".

The real Murp ending:



So he eviscerated her with a kitchen knife and wore the intestines as Hawaiian Leis.

[Dillen]

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?



Because theres 20 of them. 

[MDS]

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?



Because theres 20 of them. 

He's coming for you next.

[MURP]

good thinkin Upfront.   

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?



Because theres 20 of them. 

That's not really a joke that works very well in type.  You could have at least typed "twenty eight" to make it correct.

I'm just saying.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[hbionic]

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION

Feet cold and wet.

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.

Improper bladder control.

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Drink unusually pale and tasteless.

Glass empty.

Get someone to buy you another drink.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.

You have fallen forward.

See above.

Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Get someone to buy you another drink.

Floor moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.

Bar has closed.

Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

You are dancing on the table.

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Drink is crystal-clear.

It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

You have been in a fight.

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

You've wandered into the wrong party.

See if they have free alcohol.

Your singing sounds distorted.

The drink is too weak.

Have more alcohol until your voice improves.


Don't remember the words to the song.

Drink is just right.

Play air guitar.

[Phanatic]

This is one of those heart-warming stories you just have 
to share with good friends.  Enjoy.
A man was sitting on a beach.  Tragically, through a recent car accident,
he had lost both both his arms and legs. During the long  afternoon, as he
remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each
felt very sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said; Have you ever had a hug?
The man said No; so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said; Have you  ever had a kiss?
The man said No, so she gave him a kiss and  walked on.

The third woman came to him and said; Have you ever been farged?
The fellow said No;  She said; You will be when the tide comes in.

[MadMarchHare]

A cathedral interviewed a man with no arms for a position as bell ringer.  How will you ring the bell, the priest asked?  I'll show you he says.  So he climbs up the bell tower and rings it by hitting it with his head.  That's amazing, says the priest.  You ain't seen nothing yet, he says, and starts jumping from bell to bell ringing them until he slips and falls to his death.

Two strangers approach and one says, who's that?  The second one says, I don't know, but his face rings a bell.

[Yeti]

How does a Dallas Cowboys fan practice safe sex?

Spray paint a red X on the sheep that kick.

[Sgt PSN]

Tasteless joke:

Q.  What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A.  The 12 year old locked in Hbionic's basement.

Really tasteless joke:

So I'm shagging this hottie from behind a couple days ago and I decide to put it in her bum.  So without asking I just rammed it right in there.  The girl didn't even flinch!  She just looked back at me and said "Do you mind putting that back in my vagina?"

I was shocked!  I said to her "Vagina?  That's an awfully big word for a 9 year old."

[PhillyPhanInDC]

A cathedral interviewed a man with no arms for a position as bell ringer.  How will you ring the bell, the priest asked?  I'll show you he says.  So he climbs up the bell tower and rings it by hitting it with his head.  That's amazing, says the priest.  You ain't seen nothing yet, he says, and starts jumping from bell to bell ringing them until he slips and falls to his death.

Two strangers approach and one says, who's that?  The second one says, I don't know, but his face rings a bell.

That's farging hilarious.

[Yeti]

Tasteless joke:

Q.  What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A.  The 12 year old locked in Hbionic's basement.

Really tasteless joke:

So I'm shagging this hottie from behind a couple days ago and I decide to put it in her bum.  So without asking I just rammed it right in there.  The girl didn't even flinch!  She just looked back at me and said "Do you mind putting that back in my vagina?"

I was shocked!  I said to her "Vagina?  That's an awfully big word for a 9 year old."

[MadMarchHare]

A cathedral interviewed a man with no arms for a position as bell ringer.  How will you ring the bell, the priest asked?  I'll show you he says.  So he climbs up the bell tower and rings it by hitting it with his head.  That's amazing, says the priest.  You ain't seen nothing yet, he says, and starts jumping from bell to bell ringing them until he slips and falls to his death.

Two strangers approach and one says, who's that?  The second one says, I don't know, but his face rings a bell.

The next day, the armless man's brother shows up, armless himself.  As he starts ringing the bells, he too falls to his death.

Two strangers approach and one says, who's that?  The second one says, I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.