Joke thread

RomeyRome · October 24, 2003, 05:36:25 PM

Quote from: Tomahawk on October 24, 2003, 01:41:23 PM
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for
only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I
called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for
about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day. It's important.

Now that is an original one.

Reidme · October 24, 2003, 06:18:29 PM

A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.

That is your sin?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...

Those are your sins?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.

This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

Just a woman I know, Father.

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

PhillyGirl · October 29, 2003, 10:35:08 AM

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I think she choked."

Sgt PSN · October 29, 2003, 12:19:28 PM

Heard that one before but still a great joke.

Sgt PSN · October 30, 2003, 12:00:15 PM

NUN'S KISS

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as
long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single
and I'm Catholic too!

"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and
the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make
a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and
I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

yankee clipper · November 10, 2003, 12:20:13 PM

Q: Why do italians have short arms?

A: It comes from going, "gun?, what gun?, I don't have a gun"

PhillyGirl · November 21, 2003, 11:30:43 AM

SD_Eagle5 · November 22, 2003, 11:58:47 AM

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

joneszilla · November 24, 2003, 08:53:48 AM

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, "What for?"

She says, "I want to kill my husband."

He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription

RomeyRome · December 08, 2003, 05:38:14 PM

On a tour of the northeast, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Cowboys football jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Eagles jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Cowboys fan from the water. Then using paddles, the three heroes from Philly beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that
there was some bitter hatred between Eagles and Cowboys fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.?

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may
have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about shark fishing...

how's the bait holding up?"

Syracuse · December 08, 2003, 05:49:59 PM

LMAO

Sgt PSN · December 08, 2003, 10:20:01 PM

LOL. Good one NB.

Bill Parcells died and went to heaven. As he went through the Pearly Gates he was greeted by God who personally took him to a small 2 bedroom house adorned with a few small, faded Cowboys flags hanging in the windows. God looked at the Tuna and said "Coach, not everyone gets their own place up here but I think I'll make a small exception for you."

Parcells looked around the house and was pleased with his new digs. He then looked out a window and off in the distance he saw a huge mansion with big, bright Eagles flags hanging from it. The Tuna scratched his head and turned to God, pointed out the window and said "Hey, why does Andy Reid get a bigger house than I do?"

God looked out the window and said "That's not Andy Reid's house. That's mine."

Tomahawk · December 09, 2003, 11:57:57 AM

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

RomeyRome · December 19, 2003, 05:05:53 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated: "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation. But, she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied: "Cause you're ugly."

yankee clipper · January 21, 2004, 02:38:27 PM

Q: You've got a brown rug,brown walls, brown furniture, brown appliances; what does that indicate?

A: the maid exploded

Joke thread

RomeyRome

SD_Eagle5

joneszilla

RomeyRome

RomeyRome