Joke thread

[stillupfront]

Read this out loud:

I am we Todd did.

I am sofa king we Todd did.  

Douche bag says what?

[Sgt PSN]

Read this out loud:

I am we Todd did.

I am sofa king we Todd did.  

Douche bag says what?

What?  

[General_Failure]

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.   (waiting for GF's response...lol)

[PhillyGirl]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says "Hi, I hate drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a
job."

The man behind the welfare desk says "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chaffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says "You're bullshteinting me."

The welfare clerk says "Yeah, well, you started it."

[PhillyGirl]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[PhillyGirl]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into thelaundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled
back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say we blondes are dumb....

_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of
the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly."

She said, "Well, you succeeded."

______________________

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said."That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart."

_____________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor.
_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion thirty ears younger....

Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!

Gotta love that fairy!
__________________

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the W h eaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business
Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on
the back of the milk carton.

[Tomahawk]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Syracuse]

LOL, T-Hawk.

[shorebird]

A couple that made me laugh from Readers Digest.

"Housework won't kill you, but why take the chance?"
Phyllis Diller

...for Phillygirl.... "Behind every great man, is a woman rolling her eyes." Jim Carrey

"I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
George Burns

[PhillyGirl]

...for Phillygirl.... "Behind every great man, is a woman rolling her eyes." Jim Carrey

Best quote...ever.

[PhillyGirl]

My sister sent me this one today...lol

Always pay your rent on time and in full.

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500.

So they do.  

Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that

  1) it had never been occupied;
  2) that there was plenty of heat;
  3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady.
 
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

[PhillyGirl]

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a dutiful husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So, he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since
her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being  a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But, you're not gonna believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."

[PhillyGirl]

Halloween Costume


> A black man and his wife were going to a costume
party in a couple of days so the husband tells his
wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to
wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the
bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman
costume.
>
> The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this
back and get me something else I can wear."
>
> The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the
costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home
from work, goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on
the bed, is a Batman costume.
>
> He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back
and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

>
> The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When
the husband comes home again from work, there laid out
on the bed are three items: one is a set of three
white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and
the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the
wife, "What the hell are these for?"

> The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can
put the three white buttons on the front of you and go
as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put
the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't
like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and
go as a fudgesicle."
>

[RomeyRome]

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

That is the key.  Men go shopping for and buy mostly for need, and women go and buy for.......well because they think it's cute and on sale.  

[Tomahawk]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for
only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I
called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for
about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day. It's important.