Joke thread

[Wingspan]

So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.



What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.



Knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

shtein, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.



Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!"



A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.

[Yeti]

I got a new car radio yesterday.
It has voice recognition.
You shout "soul" ....and it searches for a soul station and starts
playing soul music. You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll. You
shout "country"
and it finds country music. Some kids ran in front of my car,
causing me to swerve at the last second. I yelled out "F***ing kids".
Now... my radio is playing Michael Jackson

[mussa]

Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!"

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

So, an average guy and an extremely attractive woman are stranded on a deserted island.  After a couple of weeks and out of sheer boredom, the women agrees to start having sex with the man.  After a couple of weeks of this, the man asks the woman for a favor:

Man: "Would you mind putting on my tattered clothes?"
Woman: "Sure, why not..."
M: "Would you mind using this mud to paint on a moustache?"
W: "Uh... sure... fine."
M: "Hey, do you mind if I call you 'Jack'?"
W: "I suppose not, if you really want to."
M: "Great! So....  JACK!  You wouldn't believe this hottie I've been banging!"

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice from the shadows call out, "20 bucks?"
The man takes the mystery woman up on her offer.  They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
"Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife," replies the man.
"Sorry," says the cop.  "I didn't know."
The man replies, "Neither did I, until you turned on your flashlight."

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A depressed young woman is about to leap off the Brooklyn Bridge when a young sailor sees her and yells, "Don't jump!"
"Why?" she yells back. "I have nothing to live for.  My life is pathetic."
"Listen," he replies. "I'm sailing for Europe in the morning.  I'll sneak you onto our ship and bring you food every day.  We'll keep each other company.  Deal?"
The girl agrees, and the sailor stows her on board.  Every night he brings her sandwiches to eat the next day, then the two have sex until the sun comes up.  3 weeks lates the captain stumbles across the girl and demands to know why she's on board.
"I have a deal with one of the sailors," she explains. "I get a free trip to Europe, and he screws me."
"He certainly does," the captain laughs. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


(Yes, these are all from the most recent "Maxim")

[Yeti]

A drunk guy walks into a clock shop.  He goes to the counter and pulls out his unit.  The lady behind the counter says "Excuse me sir, this is a clock shop".  He say "I know............

I want two hands and a face on this."

[mussa]

What do Caviar and Michael Jackson have in common?



They both cum on little white crackers.   

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

From this month's Maxim:

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.  The man sneezes, pulls out his wang, and wipes off the tip.  A minute lanter the man sneezes again, then pulls out his member to clean it off.  Then it happens yet again.

"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've pulled out your penis to wipe it off!" yells the woman next to him.  "What's your deal?!?"

"Sorry, ma'am," the guy replies, "I have a condition where I orgasm when I sneeze."

"What are you taking for it?" she asks.

"Pepper."

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

Two guys want to drink but only have a buck between them, so one runs to a deli and buys a hot dog.  "Follow my lead," he says as they walk into a bar and order two shots.

"When I stick the hot dog through my fly, get on your knees and suck it," he says.  "We'll get kicked out."  His pal plays along, and sure enough the bartender throws them out.  They proceed to use the same trick at five more bars.

"I can't do this anymore," says the second guy.  "My knees are killing me, and I'm starving,"

"Not me," says the first guy.  "I ate that hot dog three bars ago."

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

A man is walking home, struggling to carry a bucket and an anvil, a couple of chickens, and a goose.  An old lady walks up and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"

"I'm headed that way," the man says.  "I'd walk you, but I can't carry all this."

"Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" suggests the old lady.

"Why, thank you very much," he says.  On the way to Mockingbird Lane, the man suggests taking a shortcut down a dark alley.

The little old lady says cautiously, "How do I know you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The man says, "Holy smokes, lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.  How could I possibly do that, too?!?"

"Set down the goose, cover him up with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Feva]

A woman gets the news that her grandfather has died.  Following the news, she goes to comfort her grandmother.  She asks her grandmother how her grandfather died.

"He died while we were having sex." the grandmother answered.

Shocked, the woman tells her grandmother that she's bothered by the fact that people at their age are still having sex.

"Well dear," the grandmother explained, "We'd worked out a system where we would have sex every Sunday afternoon after church lets out.  We'd move to the rythym of the church bell.  In on the 'ding', out on the 'dong'.

The grandmother starts to get choked up and says, "We would have been just fine if that farging ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Feva]

Hugh Hefner... now getting bored with his routine pool parties, decides to do something different.  He goes to the pet store, buys 3 alligators, 6 electrick eels and a dozen piranhas and has them all put into his pool.

The next party comes around and it's packed as usual.

"Excuse me, everyone!  Excuse me!  Can I have your attention?!" shouts Hugh, "I'd like to issue a challenge to all the men in attendance.  I'm going to give any man here $50,000 to swim across my pool."

All the guys look into the pool and see all the alligators and all and there are no takers.

"Ok then," Hugh continues, "I'll give any man here $100,000 to swim across the pool."

Still no takers.

"OK, let's get serious.  I'll give any man here $500,000 and a night with my most prized playmate to do with her as they please, if they will only swim across this pool."

After a few seconds... there's a big splash.  Everyone turns around and sure enough, there's a guy in the pool.  He's swimming along, wrestling the alligators, fighting off the eels and snatching the biting piranhas off his skin.  Eventually, the guy pulls himself up on the other side of the pool.

Hugh walks over to congratulate the guy, "Wow!  I'm impressed.  I didn't think anyone was actually going to do it.  But, as I promised... here's your $500,000 check and here's the key to your room for a night with my playmate."

The guy responds, "In a minute, Hugh.  First I wanna find the son of a bitch who pushed me into that pool!"

[Eagles 3x]

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her ball into a foursome of men.
To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with his hands between his crotch.
She runs up to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and asking if is there anything she can do to help him.
Barely able to speak, he manages to answer, "No thanks....just give me a few minutes....I'll be fine."
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man she gently undoes his pants and starts massaging his genitals.
"Does that feel better?" she asks.
"Well...yes...that feels pretty good" he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Feva]

An eight year old boy asks his father, "Daddy, what's a transvestite?"

The father replies, "Go ask your mother.  He'll tell you."

[Diomedes]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat ugly lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened, and the lady rolled herself between them into a small room.   The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blond woman in a tank top stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...

"Go get your mother..."