Old Jokes, New Thread

[hbionic]

Here's one I heard again for the very first time...

Q. How do you make a seven year old boy cry twice?

A. Rub your bloody penis on his teddy bear.

[Dillen]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


Nothing, you already told her twice.

[SD_Eagle5]

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named it 'Sum Ting Wong'

[SunMo]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget.

[General_Failure]

Trevor loves tractors, he absolutely adores them.

He has tractor sheets, tractor curtains, tractor cutlery, he even has an old tractor in the garden he loves to tinker with.

So when Trevor hears that the Tractor show is in town, he's ecstatic.

He puts on his tractor socks, suit, and tractor tie, and walks to the show.

He goes into the first showroom, and straight away there's the most beautiful tractor he's ever seen. It's parts are polished so much he can see his face in them.

He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

So he climbs up onto the tractor, and finds the key. He turns it.

"Vroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

The tractor starts up, and just when he's enjoying the sound of it, the tractor turns off and he's pulled off the seat by a large man in a suit (but no tractors on his tie)

"What do you think you are doing? This is a tractor show, not a joyride site!" says the angry man.

"Sorry" says Trevor, and goes on his way.

The next room has a large Trac-2000 tractor. Trevor's heard about these in his tractor magazines, they're meant to be faster than anything. The wheels reach up to his head, and it too glistens in the lights of the showroom.

But those niggling thoughts creep in again, he looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

So he climbs up the steps into the canopy, reaches for the keys, and turns it.

"vvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV"

The tractor starts up, it sounds like a dream, but before he can grab the steering wheel he is once again accosted and pulled out of the tractor.

"What on Earth are you doing?" says the angry man, "If I catch you doing that again, you're out of here!"

Trevor is upset, but his love of tractors wins, and he goes onto the next showroom.

"Hmm... I wonder where the tractor is" he thinks.

Then he realises that in each corner of the large room is the bottom of a wheel. He is in fact standing underneath what may be the biggest tractor in existence. It's even got tours around the multiple floors of the inside.

So he gets in the elevator next to the right-front whel, and heads to the top floor, the bridge of the tractor.

He steps out, and everything's beautiful. Glistening with crystal, gold, diamonds, with liquid crystal touchscreen displays for the controls.

And he can't help it... He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

At this time, he doesn't care about the warning from the angry man running the showroom. He reaches for one of the controls and presses "On"

The sound is glorious! His ears prick up at what sounds like an airplane engine mixed with the beeps of the bridge's many tractor diagnostic and startup tools.

He looks around, enjoying every minute, but as he sits in the driver's chair the elevator door opens, and the angry man enters, flanked by two security guards.

Needless to say, Trevor was out on the streets in no time, kicked out by the angry man, who shouts "And I will make sure that you never set foot near another tractor IN YOUR LIFE!"

Trevor is distraught, he loves tractors, but if he can't go near them.......

In his anger, he rips off his tie, removes the pattern from his socks, and goes down the pub to drown his sorrows.

He sits down, the barman recognises his sadness and gives him a whisky on the house.

Suddenly, a fire starts in the back room, people are running, screaming, scared for their lives. People start to file out of the pub, but Trevor quickly stands and walks towards the back room.

He takes a long inhale of breath, and breathes in all the smoke from the room, then runs outside and exhales it all into the sky.

He probably saved countless lives being lost by smoke inhalation.

When the firemen come and congratulate him, they obviously ask, "How did you do it?"

"Easy" said Trevor, "I'm an Ex-Tractor-Fan"

[SunMo]

i want to hurt you

[hbionic]

i want to hurt you

IN.

[Wingspan]

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

"Easy" said Trevor, "I'm an Ex-Tractor-Fan"

All that for a pun?  Whoa.

[General_Failure]

Don't make me track down the six pages that end in a pun.

[Sgt PSN]

i want to hurt you

take a number pal.  i'm kicking his ass first. 

[MDS]

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

bhahahahaha

[Drunkmasterflex]

What is better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

[Reidme]

Blind hookers ..... ya gotta hand it to them.

[NGM]

Blind hookers ..... ya gotta hand it to them.

Pedophiles are farging immature iceholes.