Joke thread

[PhillyGirl]

Are we starting another one of these anytime soon?

[hunt]

i don't get it.

[hunt]

here's one of the worst jokes ever:

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!" "Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!" "You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!" Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?" And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..." "...its a ham bush!"

[joneszilla]

You are right Hunt.  that joke sucks.  

[Sgt PSN]

Yes.  That is a terrible, terrible joke.  I hereby ban you from ever posting in the joke thread ever again.  You may not even post your approval of a posted joke.  

[PhillyGirl]

A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing
the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shtein like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly
climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No,
that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet.

How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"
answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some
stock options?"

Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafarga who pushed me in the pool."

[hunt]

since you like my first one so much:

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
  A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
  Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
  A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
  Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
  Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
  Damn!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
  Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
  A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
  Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
  Tame way, unique up on it.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
  An amish drive-by shooting

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
  Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

[General_Failure]

PG's was almost as bad, especially if you've heard it before.

[PhillyGirl]

PG's was almost as bad, especially if you've heard it before.

And I hadn't. So, there was the slight chance that one of the couple of hundred posters on here hadnt either.  

[General_Failure]

Didn't anybody tell you? You're the last to know everything.

[Susquehanna Birder]

I can steal with the best of 'em:

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."

[Tomahawk]

PG's was almost as bad, especially if you've heard it before.

And I hadn't. So, there was the slight chance that one of the couple of hundred posters on here hadnt either.  

Who you trying to kid? There aren't even One Hundred people who post here.

I will now post the only joke I know...

This man is taking a shower when he hears a knock on the door.  Thinking it's his wife, he answers naked.

Much to his surprise, he sees his Seven year old daughter standing there.  Full of questions, like children often are, she asks, "Daddy, what is that," pointing at his chest.

"Well dear, that's a Nipple."

"When am I going to get those?"

"Look! You already have them!"

"Then what's that," the inquisitive child asks pointing at his crotch.

"Honey, that is a penis."

"When am I going to get one of them?"

The father responds, "About 7:00, when your mother goes bowling."

[General_Failure]

Who you trying to kid? There aren't even One Hundred people who post here.

They might not post, but you would be surprised how many people have logged in this past 2 weeks.

[hunt]

Two starving vampire bats were sitting on a roof wishing that they had some blood to drink. The first vampire bat said, "I can't wait anymore! I'm flying out there to find some blood!" With that, the vampire bat took off into the distance. Ten minutes later, the vampire bat returned to the rooftop with his face covered in fresh blood! The second vampire bat asked, "Hey! Where in the world did you get all of that blood?!" The first vampire bat said, "Look out there. Do you see that big tree limb about 50 yards away, and 10 feet off of the ground?!" The second vampire bat squinted, looked and said, "No, I don't see it!" The first vampire bat said, "Funny. Neither did I!"

[Sgt PSN]

Hunt....stop before you hurt yourself bro.