Interview with Al Harris

[phattymatty]

Drew: Um, wait a second. You're not Brett Favre.
Al Harris: No. I'm Al Harris.

Drew: I'm sorry, but I've been told on many occasions that Brett Favre IS the Packers. So I don't really see where you come in. What do you do specifically to serve Brett Favre? Do you shine his shoes? Fetch fresh tobacco for his pipe? What?
Harris: I play defense.

Drew: Oh, I see. So your job is to get the ball back for Brett Favre so that he can heroically redeem himself for the interception he just threw?
Harris: My job is to get the ball back for the offense, yes.

Drew: Brett Favre had one of his greatest games on Monday Night against the Raiders after his father passed away. Be honest: when he was throwing two and three interceptions a game last year, did you ever secretly hope that one of his loved ones would die tragically and without warning?
Harris: No. That's awful.

Drew: I know. Then let's say it was a distant relative, like if his great aunt were mauled to death in a horrible wheat thrasher accident. Don't you think that'd make him play a little better?
Harris: No.

Drew: Cris Collinsworth once said that just talking to Brett Favre makes you a better person. How did talking to Brett Favre get you to stop raping people?
Harris: I've never raped anyone.

Drew: Okay, but let's pretend that you ARE a rapist. Didn't talking to Brett Favre help you control your savage, primal urges to sexually overpower helpless women and children?
Harris: I am NOT a rapist.

Drew: I see this is a sensitive subject, so I'll move on. The Packers often give their younger fans bike rides during training camp. What other things do the players do to lure children into the team's basement torture den?
Harris: We don't have a torture den.

Drew: I mean, do you use rock candy? Big League Chew, maybe? Did Mark Chmura give you any pointers?
Harris: We don't have a torture den. Period.

Drew: The Packers signed Charles Woodson during the offseason. How much has Woodson taught you about bump-and-walk coverage?
Harris: Charles is great player.

Drew: The Packers drafted AJ Hawk in April. Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Okay. I just wanted to give you an idea of what Packers game broadcasts will be like for the next 10 goddamn years.
Harris: Okay.

Drew: Brett Favre has often been called the heart and soul of the Packers. But who is the team's penis? Is it Samkon Gado? I heard black guys from the Motherland are hung like fargin' Seabiscuit.
Harris: I don't know.

Drew: Is it hard to use the team bathroom when Peter King is administering a blumpkin to Brett Favre two stalls over?
Harris: I don't know what a blumpkin is.

Drew: Aaron Rodgers: bust or disappointment?
Harris: Aaron's gonna be good.

Drew: You have dreadlocks. Tell me about the shtein they grow in British Columbia. Is it as good as it sounds? I heard if you take a hit of it and then beat off, you start to see, like, purple swans and shtein.
Harris: I don't smoke weed.

Drew: Smart answer. Keepin' it on the DL. Javon Walker used a contract dispute to force a trade to Denver. Why has no one else on the team been smart enough to follow his lead?
Harris: We think we'll be pretty good this year.

Drew: When Najeh Davenport shteins in the team hamper, how do you choose who gets to Shout out the stains?
Harris: Najeh has never shtein in the team hamper.

Drew: What's the best natural disaster metaphor we can use for the interior of the Packers' o-line? Mudslide? Sinkhole? Bottomless pit lined with smeared dogshtein?
Harris: Those guys are coming together.

Drew: Let's talk about Packer fans. How do you cope with living in a town comprised exclusively of slumpbusters?
Harris: I don't know what that means.

Drew: Packer fans enjoy cheddarwurst. What if we were to add a nougat center to the cheddarwurst? Wouldn't that help hasten these people to an even earlier grave?
Harris: That sounds gross.

Drew: What's your first name, Al, short for? Al'quan? Alvaricious? Al'Brickashaw?
Harris: Albert.

Drew: That's kind of disappointing. Nevertheless, it was great talking to you, Al'Berrtt.
Harris: No problem.


NOTE: Apropos of nothing, I strongly urge you to read the Johnny Unitas book excerpt from last week's issue of SI. Talk about a farging badass. That guy never would have played for the Packers.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

Best one so far, IMO.  Lots of material to work with there.

I literally LOL'd a few times.

[ice grillin you]

i read that strictly on yopur review.............you SUCK!

only funny part...

Drew: The Packers drafted AJ Hawk in April. Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Okay. I just wanted to give you an idea of what Packers game broadcasts will be like for the next 10 goddamn years.
Harris: Okay.



the rest was dreadful....this guy should have quit while he was ahead as he jumped the shark after the first one

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

the rest was dreadful....this guy should have quit while he was ahead as he jumped the shark after the first one

It's obvious that your sense of humor is akin to your other senses in crispness and quality.

[phattymatty]

this one was my favorite so far too.

[Diomedes]

I don't think any of them are funny.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

I don't think any of them are funny.

You and IGY should hang out.  You into the socks 'n sandals look also?

[Diomedes]

It would be funny if Al Harris was actually interviewed, and even funnier if he were game to the joke.  But instead, it's just some internet icehole trying to be funny.  I've get enough of that here.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

I've get enough of that here.

Are you trying to be funny?

[Wingspan]

Drew: What's your first name, Al, short for? Al'quan? Alvaricious? Al'Brickashaw?
Harris: Albert.

Drew: That's kind of disappointing. Nevertheless, it was great talking to you, Al'Berrtt.
Harris: No problem.

that had me laughing

[ice grillin you]

It would be funny if Al Harris was actually interviewed, and even funnier if he were game to the joke.

exactly...dook is all up on stephen colberts nuts....except he fails to realize one of the funny things about colberts interviews is that the person being interviewed give some funny ass answers...this clown here  isnt even interviewing anyone...its basically cheesy mad magazine schtick....gay


the first one i think was pretty funny...but that may have been because he didnt seem to be trying so hard

[phattymatty]

I don't think any of them are funny.

never would have guessed.

[Rome]

I've get enough of that here.

Are you trying to be funny?

I thought that was funnier than anything in the article.

[PhillyPhreak54]

Drew: The Packers drafted AJ Hawk in April. Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Okay. I just wanted to give you an idea of what Packers game broadcasts will be like for the next 10 goddamn years.
Harris: Okay.

Drew: Brett Favre has often been called the heart and soul of the Packers. But who is the team's penis? Is it Samkon Gado? I heard black guys from the Motherland are hung like fargin' Seabiscuit.
Harris: I don't know.

Drew: Is it hard to use the team bathroom when Peter King is administering a blumpkin to Brett Favre two stalls over?
Harris: I don't know what a blumpkin is.