The ladyfriend has been out of town for a few weeks doing one of her clinical rotations for school. This particular rotation is OB. For all of you ignorant shteins that means that she is delivering babies. She's seen quite a bit over the past couple of weeks and just sent an email out to all of her female friends with some farging outstanding advice, which I thought I would share because it's also pretty damn hilarious.
Here is her hand-crafted email. Cut and pasted...
QuoteHello friends,
although being a student for 2 1/2 weeks in OB rotation does not make
me any sort of expert on the subject I have learned alot about what I
would like for my own childbirth ecperience, or more importantly what i
would NOT like and I thought I would share...
Some tips:
1. Unless you want to welcome your new child into the world by pumping
him out into a pile of your own feces, as soon as you go into labor,
stop eating. In fact, best not eat anything in the last week before
you are due. If you haven't appropriately emptied your bowels when the
time has come, a quick stop off at the local drug store on the way to
the hospital will put a laxative in your hands and a smile on your
baby's face.
2. Please take a shower before you go the hospital. When you are
scrubbing your undercarriage remember that more people than you have
ever wanted or immagined are going to get close and personal with your
chach. Pretend that Brad or Angelina or both are going to give you
oral pleasure when you get out. Use regular soap first, then shampoo.
A good friend of mine once told me that he prefers a girl with a
little pubic hair because it holds the scent of the shampoo... whatever
works.
3. Shave. It makes the whole process a lot more aesthetically
pleasing.
4. If you ever want your husband to have sex with you again, do not
let him watch the baby come out of you. If you have a fruity,
sensitive husband he might find the experience spiritual. But he will
not find it sexy, especially if you neglect to do any of the above
mentioned steps. Even if you think that you are never going to want to
have sex again you are still going to want your husband to want to have
sex with you.
5. When it really starts to hurt, which it will, dont kid yourself -
don't say "Ow" . "Ow" is a word reserved for boo boos and owies. When
someone gets hit by a car and is lying there bleeding, they don't say
"ow". Ow is lame. And if you use it no one is going ot beleive it
really hurts that badly. And if you can't properly communicate your
level of discomfort to your husband he is going to think you are a wus.
6. If your doctor tells you that you need an episiotomy, let him do it.
Imagine the differece between cutting your hand with a knife and
having your skin pried apart untill it tears on its own. Besides, if
the doctor gives you an episiotomy you can hate him and get a new
doctor next time. If your child gives you an episiotomy you are going
to want to punch him in the balls everytime you look at his obscenely
massive head.
7. Don't think you are tough for not getting an epidural. You are
stupid. Really very stupid.
8. Don't get pregant when you are 15. Even if your boyfriend promises
that he will love you forever. He will not love you when you are fat,
which you will be when you are pregnant, even if it is the baby that is
making you fat. Your boyfriend is 15 and most likely dopic and doesn't
know the difference.
9. Don't get excited and think your baby is "easy
-going"/"special"/"quiet"/"sweet" when it sleeps all day and night at
the hospital. That's what they do. Their tiny brains are exhausted
from being squished through your plevis. Their brains will reinflate
and they will start cryting just in time to make your life miserable
with lots of crying when you get home. Good luck with that.
If you need a recommendation for good birth control, please call.
love,
Quote6. If your doctor tells you that you need an episiotomy, let him do it.
Imagine the differece between cutting your hand with a knife and
having your skin pried apart untill it tears on its own. Besides, if
the doctor gives you an episiotomy you can hate him and get a new
doctor next time. If your child gives you an episiotomy you are going
to want to punch him in the balls everytime you look at his obscenely
massive head.
my wife learned this the hard way.... riiiiiiiiiiippppp
Quotewhat I would like for my own childbirth ecperience, or more importantly what i would NOT like
So the ladyfriend wants kids of her own. Jerk kids would make great bullies...
Nah they'd be too skinny, busy rocking every sport I can sign them up for to get them out of the house, and terrified of their pops to get out of line.
Quote from: Sun_Mo on March 02, 2006, 06:57:44 PM
Quote6. If your doctor tells you that you need an episiotomy, let him do it.
Imagine the differece between cutting your hand with a knife and
having your skin pried apart untill it tears on its own. Besides, if
the doctor gives you an episiotomy you can hate him and get a new
doctor next time. If your child gives you an episiotomy you are going
to want to punch him in the balls everytime you look at his obscenely
massive head.
my wife learned this the hard way.... riiiiiiiiiiippppp
Mine too. The midwife recommended it and Mrs. Feva refused. I'll bet there's not a day that goes by where she doesn't look at our son's big ass head and regret that decision.
Quote7. Don't think you are tough for not getting an epidural. You are
stupid. Really very stupid.
She was smarter than this though. My mother in law, who delivered Mrs. Feva naturally... had an issue with getting an epidural saying, "Back then, we didn't have drugs to ease the pain... why take any now?" Mrs. Feva answered, "They didn't have anesthesia when you had to get your arm chopped off... would you not take drugs for that today?"
She's aiiight. :-D
My wife got the epidural as well. Smart, smart woman.
She got the episiotomy as well, but my son still ripped a bit going through. He's a big boy.
Asking a 9-month-pregnant woman to shave, though, may be asking a bit much. :-D
:puke I'm going to go ahead and get the ol' vas deferens tied off now. Catch you all in a few days.
don't be a Hoyda. create life or get out of the way and let a real man do it.
Quote
3. Shave. It makes the whole process a lot more aesthetically
pleasing.
Tell ya what. When the woman is in the throes of labor, she's most likely not worrying about the episotomy scissors. And you can be damned sure she's not worrying about the aesthetics of her birthing area.
Quote from: rjs246 on March 02, 2006, 06:53:32 PM
A good friend of mine once told me that he prefers a girl with a
little pubic hair because it holds the scent of the shampoo... whatever
works.
Her good friend = rjs246?
"Hey, baby. You got any of that bacon & beer scented shampoo? Go ahead and rub a little on your landing strip to make daddy happy".
IM GLAD I AM A MAN
You'd be even happier as a lesbian.
I just sick. Im adopting...
Quote from: Sun_Mo on March 02, 2006, 07:51:19 PM
don't be a Hoyda. create life or get out of the way and let a real man do it.
How many kids did you have by the time you turned 25?
I don't know if you're a real man or a sadist.
i like your ladyfriends sense of humor, you two must be perfect together.
Quote from: FFatPatt on March 03, 2006, 07:31:56 AM
Quote from: Sun_Mo on March 02, 2006, 07:51:19 PM
don't be a Hoyda. create life or get out of the way and let a real man do it.
How many kids did you have by the time you turned 25?
I don't know if you're a real man or a sadist.
i had 3 by age 22.
then i got my balls cut.
The best advice for a man in the labor room - stay out of arms reach. Once the epi goes in, she's immobile. Which means you get to run away less. But your presence is barely tolerated to begin with; don't push it.
Quote from: PhillyPhreak54 on March 02, 2006, 08:43:49 PM
Quote from: rjs246 on March 02, 2006, 06:53:32 PM
A good friend of mine once told me that he prefers a girl with a
little pubic hair because it holds the scent of the shampoo... whatever
works.
Her good friend = rjs246?
"Hey, baby. You got any of that bacon & beer scented shampoo? Go ahead and rub a little on your landing strip to make daddy happy".
:-D :-D
Great email by the future Mrs. rjs.. very funny stuff. There's one picture that someone took while my first boy was being born -- and I mean in the middle of the part where his head was coming out. I wasn't looking at the birthing canal -- I was staring at the TV that was in the room because "Play of the Day" was on Sports Center. I get hit everytime we come to that picture in the photo album...
Quote from: DemonchildrenOnTurf on March 03, 2006, 10:19:22 AM
Great email by the future Mrs. rjs..
get real...she's gonna ditch him the second she makes real money.
hasnt anyone ever seen rounders?
Quote from: Wingspan on March 03, 2006, 10:24:16 AM
Quote from: DemonchildrenOnTurf on March 03, 2006, 10:19:22 AM
Great email by the future Mrs. rjs..
get real...she's gonna ditch him the second she makes real money.
hasnt anyone ever seen rounders?
[Teddy KGB]Pay zat man hiz mony[/Teddy KGB]
Both my kids were C sections. Watching them just scoop out my wifes innards to get to the kid was kind of cool but kind of unerving at the same time. For whatever reason she cooks the kids big and has to get cut.
Quote from: General_Failure on March 03, 2006, 03:00:16 AM
You'd be even happier as a lesbian.
What if you're a lesbian trapped in a man's body?
what if you're a blind lesbian trapped in a fish market?
Quote from: Phanatic on March 03, 2006, 11:20:49 AM
Both my kids were C sections. Watching them just scoop out my wifes innards to get to the kid was kind of cool but kind of unerving at the same time. For whatever reason she cooks the kids big and has to get cut.
Same here...c-sections are the way to go IMO.
Quote from: hunt on March 03, 2006, 12:15:29 PM
what if you're a blind lesbian trapped in a fish market?
What if you're a blind lesbian fish trapped in vagina water?
Quote from: hbionic on March 03, 2006, 08:14:37 PM
Quote from: hunt on March 03, 2006, 12:15:29 PM
what if you're a blind lesbian trapped in a fish market?
What if you're a blind lesbian fish trapped in vagina water?
Then you try your best to dround.
leev mi aloan.