Joke thread

[Sgt PSN]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of  tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So.... I figure if I have to roll my own .. so does she.

[hunt]

my last one!  (i promise!):

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, there was a 6 foot tall cockroach standing there! The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off! The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the 6 foot tall cockroach was there again! This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away! The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the 6 foot tall cockroach was there again! The cockroach leapt at him and bit him several times before running off! The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and phoned for an ambulance. He was rushed to the emergency room, where the doctors saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, and the man explained about the 6 foot tall cockroach's attacks. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's been a nasty bug going around!"

[Sgt PSN]

Thank you so much for wasting precious seconds of my life not once, not twice, but 3 farging times!  And here I thought the third joke would help make up for the first 2.  

I would actually prefer to work rather than have to read those jokes ever again.  

[hbionic]

Here's a quick one.

Q: Why do farts smell?

A: So the deaf can enjoy them too.

[Susquehanna Birder]

And here's my last contribution to the karma...

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Sgt PSN]

Q.  What does the average Alabama player get on his     SATs?
A.  Drool.
Q.  What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A.  A full set of teeth.
Q.  How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
A.  Grease her hips and push.
Q.  How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A.  Pay him for the pizza.
Q.  How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
A.  There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup
Q.  Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
A.  Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q.  What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
A.  His freshman year.
Q.  How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  None. That's a sophomore course.
Q.  Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
A.  Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a HeismanTrophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
Q.  Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A.  You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

[Tomahawk]

I just got the following in an e-mail and laughed. If you're offended, I suggest you write your Congressmen to have my internet privelages suspended.

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of  substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is
far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned
from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the
2 pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no
way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that
matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- yo u do your part,
I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

[RomeyRome]

Here's a quick one.

Q: Why do farts smell?

A: So the deaf can enjoy them too.

Simple, immature and funny.   A joke.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[BigEd76]

What do you call a leper in a bathtub?
Soup  


An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.  The doctor says, "Well....I have bad news for you.  You have cancer and Alzheimer's."  The old man says, "Whew.....at least I don't have cancer!"  

[DarthDawkins]

This guys daughter walks up to him and asks him to use the car, the dad says "Not unless you do what you need to do".... so she says "oh fine alright" and she starts sucking his dick.... when shes done she yells "Dad your dick tastes like shtein!" then the dad says "oh I forgot, your brother used the car earlier."

[hbionic]

This guys daughter walks up to him and asks him to use the car, the dad says "Not unless you do what you need to do".... so she says "oh fine alright" and she starts sucking his dick.... when shes done she yells "Dad your dick tastes like shtein!" then the dad says "oh I forgot, your brother used the car earlier."

Why does Stillupfront come to mind?

[MURP]

this joke thread is a sad excuse for the classics we used to have on here.    farg you guys@!

[yankee clipper]

a guy goes into a house of ill-repute and gives a girl $500 to anything he wants. They go into a room and she takes off her clothes. He takes off his belt and starts whipping her ass. After 10 minutes she cries out, "When are you going to stop?" & the guy says , "When you give me my 500 dollars back"

[Sgt PSN]

Here's a great joke.  I heard it this morning.

Eagles Offense.  

[PhillyGirl]

Here's a great joke.  I heard it this morning.

Eagles Offense.  

Damn, I heard a different version of it....

Andy Reid's playcalling.