Are we starting another one of these anytime soon?
i don't get it. ???
here's one of the worst jokes ever:
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!" "Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!" "You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!" Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?" And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..." "...its a ham bush!"
:o
You are right Hunt. that joke sucks. :)
Yes. That is a terrible, terrible joke. I hereby ban you from ever posting in the joke thread ever again. You may not even post your approval of a posted joke. ;)
A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing
the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shtein like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly
climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No,
that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet.
How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"
answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some
stock options?"
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafarga who pushed me in the pool."
since you like my first one so much:
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn!
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
An amish drive-by shooting
How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
PG's was almost as bad, especially if you've heard it before.
Quote from: General_Failure on September 12, 2003, 01:04:36 PM
PG's was almost as bad, especially if you've heard it before.
And I hadn't. So, there was the slight chance that one of the couple of hundred posters on here hadnt either. :flipoff :D
Didn't anybody tell you? You're the last to know everything. :)
I can steal with the best of 'em:
Quote
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."
Quote from: PhillyGirl on September 12, 2003, 01:06:21 PM
Quote from: General_Failure on September 12, 2003, 01:04:36 PM
PG's was almost as bad, especially if you've heard it before.
And I hadn't. So, there was the slight chance that one of the couple of hundred posters on here hadnt either. :flipoff :D
Who you trying to kid? There aren't even One Hundred people who post here.
I will now post the only joke I know...
This man is taking a shower when he hears a knock on the door. Thinking it's his wife, he answers naked.
Much to his surprise, he sees his Seven year old daughter standing there. Full of questions, like children often are, she asks, "Daddy, what is that," pointing at his chest.
"Well dear, that's a Nipple."
"When am I going to get those?"
"Look! You already have them!"
"Then what's that," the inquisitive child asks pointing at his crotch.
"Honey, that is a penis."
"When am I going to get one of them?"
The father responds, "About 7:00, when your mother goes bowling."
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 12, 2003, 01:28:11 PM
Who you trying to kid? There aren't even One Hundred people who post here.
They might not post, but you would be surprised how many people have logged in this past 2 weeks.
Two starving vampire bats were sitting on a roof wishing that they had some blood to drink. The first vampire bat said, "I can't wait anymore! I'm flying out there to find some blood!" With that, the vampire bat took off into the distance. Ten minutes later, the vampire bat returned to the rooftop with his face covered in fresh blood! The second vampire bat asked, "Hey! Where in the world did you get all of that blood?!" The first vampire bat said, "Look out there. Do you see that big tree limb about 50 yards away, and 10 feet off of the ground?!" The second vampire bat squinted, looked and said, "No, I don't see it!" The first vampire bat said, "Funny. Neither did I!"
Hunt....stop before you hurt yourself bro. ;)
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So.... I figure if I have to roll my own .. so does she.
my last one! (i promise!):
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, there was a 6 foot tall cockroach standing there! The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off! The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the 6 foot tall cockroach was there again! This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away! The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the 6 foot tall cockroach was there again! The cockroach leapt at him and bit him several times before running off! The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and phoned for an ambulance. He was rushed to the emergency room, where the doctors saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, and the man explained about the 6 foot tall cockroach's attacks. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's been a nasty bug going around!"
Thank you so much for wasting precious seconds of my life not once, not twice, but 3 farging times! And here I thought the third joke would help make up for the first 2.
I would actually prefer to work rather than have to read those jokes ever again. ;)
Here's a quick one.
Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So the deaf can enjoy them too.
And here's my last contribution to the karma...
Quote
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Q. What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
A. Drool.
Q. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A. A full set of teeth.
Q. How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
A. Grease her hips and push.
Q. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
A. There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup
Q. Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
A. Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q. What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
A. His freshman year.
Q. How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's a sophomore course.
Q. Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
A. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a HeismanTrophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
Q. Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A. You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
I just got the following in an e-mail and laughed. If you're offended, I suggest you write your Congressmen to have my internet privelages suspended.
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is
far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned
from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the
2 pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no
way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that
matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- yo u do your part,
I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Quote from: hbionic on September 12, 2003, 02:34:45 PM
Here's a quick one.
Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So the deaf can enjoy them too.
:-D :-D
Simple, immature and funny. ;) A joke.
QuoteA drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
:-D
What do you call a leper in a bathtub?
Soup :-X
An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor says, "Well....I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's." The old man says, "Whew.....at least I don't have cancer!" :-X
This guys daughter walks up to him and asks him to use the car, the dad says "Not unless you do what you need to do".... so she says "oh fine alright" and she starts sucking his dick.... when shes done she yells "Dad your dick tastes like shtein!" then the dad says "oh I forgot, your brother used the car earlier."
Quote from: DarthDawkins on September 12, 2003, 11:00:39 PM
This guys daughter walks up to him and asks him to use the car, the dad says "Not unless you do what you need to do".... so she says "oh fine alright" and she starts sucking his dick.... when shes done she yells "Dad your dick tastes like shtein!" then the dad says "oh I forgot, your brother used the car earlier."
Why does Stillupfront come to mind?
this joke thread is a sad excuse for the classics we used to have on here. >:( farg you guys@!
a guy goes into a house of ill-repute and gives a girl $500 to anything he wants. They go into a room and she takes off her clothes. He takes off his belt and starts whipping her ass. After 10 minutes she cries out, "When are you going to stop?" & the guy says , "When you give me my 500 dollars back"
Here's a great joke. I heard it this morning.
Eagles Offense. :-D :-D :-D :'( :'( :'(
Quote from: Sgt PSN on September 15, 2003, 11:57:28 AM
Here's a great joke. I heard it this morning.
Eagles Offense. :-D :-D :-D :'( :'( :'(
Damn, I heard a different version of it....
Andy Reid's playcalling.
:bash :bash :bash :'(
Quote from: PhillyGirl on September 15, 2003, 11:58:16 AMAndy Reid's playcalling.
No, that's not a joke. It's a tragedy.
"Execution of the offense? I'm in favor of it."
-John McKay
Quote from: dpierce on September 15, 2003, 12:55:27 PM
"Execution of the offense? I'm in favor of it."
-John McKay
Thats a classic quote. Love that one.
Oh shtein, I forget exactly what it was he said so I'll paraphrase. Hopefully I don't farg it up too bad.
We didn't block well today, but we made up for it by not tackling. - John McKay
Quote from: Sgt PSN on September 15, 2003, 02:36:18 PM
Oh shtein, I forget exactly what it was he said so I'll paraphrase. Hopefully I don't farg it up too bad.
We didn't block well today, but we made up for it by not tackling. - John McKay
That's dead-on accurate...and still hilarious.
What's pink and slowly turns red?
A baby chewing a razor blade.
What do Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.
He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna farg ya anyway."
I went to the doctor about a week back for a weak back. :-D :-D :-D :-D
A co-worker got pissed at me today and told me to kiss his ass.
I said, "I would, but it looks too much like your face."
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Quote from: shorebird on September 17, 2003, 04:40:56 PM
A co-worker got pissed at me today and told me to kiss his ass.
I said, "I would, but it looks too much like your face."
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Though neither of your jokes are funny ( ;D), whenever a female co-worker tells me to kiss her ass, which suprisingly happens regularly, I ask her to, "Point out a spot because you're all ass, baby."
Read this out loud:
I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.
LMFAO, putz.
Quote from: Sgt PSN on September 17, 2003, 04:57:48 PM
Read this out loud:
I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.
lmao
How do you make a dead baby float?
.
.
.
.
.
2 scoops of dead baby and root beer.
LMFAO! That's just sick.
Quote from: Sgt PSN on September 17, 2003, 04:57:48 PM
Read this out loud:
I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.
Yeeeah, I am really We Todd did.
It took me 3 times saying it out loud to get it.
:paranoid :-[
:-D :-D :-D Dork! ;)
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 17, 2003, 04:57:26 PM
Though neither of your jokes are funny ( ;D), whenever a female co-worker tells me to kiss her ass, which suprisingly happens regularly, I ask her to, "Point out a spot because you're all ass, baby."
Yeah, I've heard that one too.
I'm one of those morons that thinks that the dumber a joke is, the funnier it is. Not many people share that outlook, which makes the jokes even funnier. ;)
I have a co-worker who cry's and whines all day about how he hates construction work, and should go back to driving a truck. I said, "no problem, why don't you back right up here and take this load."
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?
A retarded ape.
Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!"
"Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for
dinner!"
"Really?"
Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I
wanna eat it!'"
What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
They both hold something stiff but one's coming and
one's going!
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".
"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing.
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow," says the barkeep. "What'd you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"
"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, 'Bad dog!'"
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
Quote from: Sgt PSN on September 17, 2003, 04:57:48 PM
Read this out loud:
I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.
Sofa king funny. :-D
This one just might get me booed...
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer for me and one for the road."
That's the kind of thing we expect from NB. You're better than that.
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 19, 2003, 02:12:39 PM
This one just might get me booed...
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer for me and one for the road."
LOL, sofa king stupid.
Quote from: KoRn on September 19, 2003, 03:06:53 PM
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 19, 2003, 02:12:39 PM
This one just might get me booed...
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer for me and one for the road."
LOL, sofa king stupid.
lmao
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 19, 2003, 02:12:39 PM
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer for me and one for the road."
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Now, that's my kind of joke. :yay
Quote from: chuck_chillout on September 18, 2003, 12:39:17 PM
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
lol... good one.
Did you quit dealing out :cfhead for jokes, MURP?
Quote from: shorebird on September 19, 2003, 03:13:09 PM
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 19, 2003, 02:12:39 PM
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer for me and one for the road."
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Now, that's my kind of joke. :yay
You asked for it....
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
hey Chuck. :cfhead :cfhead :cfhead ;D
Since I'd rather post stupid jokes than work, here's another......
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts, and the shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 19, 2003, 04:41:21 PM
Since I'd rather post stupid jokes than work, here's another......
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts, and the shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
:-D :bash
I love stupid jokes....
A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Good grief!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.
It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.
The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"
"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am... some sort of queer!"
I heard that men in Texas recently discovered a new use for sheep.
Wool.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Sarge, you're making me post more stupidity (than normal)....
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 19, 2003, 05:14:36 PM
Sarge, you're making me post more stupidity (than normal)....
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
:-D That is the dumbest joke I've ever heard.
Quote from: Sgt PSN on September 19, 2003, 05:11:07 PM
I heard that men in Texas recently discovered a new use for sheep.
Wool.
LMFAO
A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says
"In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice."
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to
pieces. He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller Lite and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and
shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.
He says "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
That's just plain mean. I'm offended.
:cfhead :cfhead :cfhead
Quote from: Tomahawk on September 23, 2003, 03:56:34 PM
That's just plain mean. I'm offended.
:cfhead :cfhead :cfhead
I'm offended too. Oh, wait a sec. I'm neither Arab or Mexican. Nevermind, that's good stuff.
T-hawk, quit being a whiny beeeyatch!
Got this in my email today...and since I KNOW you'll all love it...LOL...I had to post it:
15 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WOMEN:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. ;) :D (waiting for GF's response...lol)
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times,men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes.It means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Too bad I'm the only one on this board who is enjoying this...lol :-D :-D :-D
Quote from: Sgt PSN on September 17, 2003, 04:57:48 PM
Read this out loud:
I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.
Douche bag says what?
Quote from: PhillyGirl on September 29, 2003, 10:42:47 AM
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. ;) :D (waiting for GF's response...lol)
(http://www.dentonsoftware.com/News/Articles/Cradle%20Robber%20keeps%20thieves%20at%20bay_files/CRADLE-B.gif)
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says "Hi, I hate drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a
job."
The man behind the welfare desk says "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chaffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says "You're bullshteinting me."
The welfare clerk says "Yeah, well, you started it."
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into thelaundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled
back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say we blondes are dumb....
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of
the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly."
She said, "Well, you succeeded."
______________________
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said."That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart."
_____________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion thirty ears younger....
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!
Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the W h eaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business
Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on
the back of the milk carton.
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
LOL, T-Hawk.
A couple that made me laugh from Readers Digest.
"Housework won't kill you, but why take the chance?"
Phyllis Diller
...for Phillygirl.... "Behind every great man, is a woman rolling her eyes." Jim Carrey
"I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
George Burns
Quote from: shorebird on October 17, 2003, 04:02:36 PM
...for Phillygirl.... "Behind every great man, is a woman rolling her eyes." Jim Carrey
Best quote...ever.
My sister sent me this one today...lol
QuoteAlways pay your rent on time and in full.
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500.
So they do.
Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a dutiful husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So, he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since
her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But, you're not gonna believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
Halloween Costume
> A black man and his wife were going to a costume
party in a couple of days so the husband tells his
wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to
wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the
bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman
costume.
>
> The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this
back and get me something else I can wear."
>
> The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the
costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home
from work, goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on
the bed, is a Batman costume.
>
> He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back
and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
>
> The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When
the husband comes home again from work, there laid out
on the bed are three items: one is a set of three
white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and
the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the
wife, "What the hell are these for?"
> The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can
put the three white buttons on the front of you and go
as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put
the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't
like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and
go as a fudgesicle."
>
QuoteA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
That is the key. Men go shopping for and buy mostly for need, and women go and buy for.......well because they think it's cute and on sale. :bash
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for
only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.
So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I
called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for
about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day. It's important.
Quote from: Tomahawk on October 24, 2003, 01:41:23 PM
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for
only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.
So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I
called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for
about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day. It's important.
Now that is an original one. ::)
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I think she choked."
Heard that one before but still a great joke. :-D :-D :-D
NUN'S KISS
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as
long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single
and I'm Catholic too!
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and
the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make
a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and
I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Q: Why do italians have short arms?
A: It comes from going, "gun?, what gun?, I don't have a gun"
Not for kids...LMFAO...
Reminds me of the old "crappy child's artwork" page....
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-francis.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-billy.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-jessica.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-marky.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-sarah.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-susan.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-teddy.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-thomas.jpg
http://www.concretefield.com/uploads/PhillyGirl/santa-timmy.jpg
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!
Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!
He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks, "What for?"
She says, "I want to kill my husband."
He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."
She reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription
On a tour of the northeast, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Cowboys football jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Eagles jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Cowboys fan from the water. Then using paddles, the three heroes from Philly beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that
there was some bitter hatred between Eagles and Cowboys fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.?
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may
have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about shark fishing...
how's the bait holding up?"
LMAO :cfhead :cfhead :cfhead :cfhead
LOL. Good one NB.
Bill Parcells died and went to heaven. As he went through the Pearly Gates he was greeted by God who personally took him to a small 2 bedroom house adorned with a few small, faded Cowboys flags hanging in the windows. God looked at the Tuna and said "Coach, not everyone gets their own place up here but I think I'll make a small exception for you."
Parcells looked around the house and was pleased with his new digs. He then looked out a window and off in the distance he saw a huge mansion with big, bright Eagles flags hanging from it. The Tuna scratched his head and turned to God, pointed out the window and said "Hey, why does Andy Reid get a bigger house than I do?"
God looked out the window and said "That's not Andy Reid's house. That's mine."
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated: "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation. But, she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied: "Cause you're ugly."
Q: You've got a brown rug,brown walls, brown furniture, brown appliances; what does that indicate?
A: the maid exploded
Another one e-mailed to me:
Corporate Ladder
After a two year-long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls become.
Governor Schwarzenegger is in the process of moving into his office, when he finds two envelopes in a safe. The envelopes are numbered 1 and 2. So he calls Grey Davis up and asks him why he left them there. The ex Governor tells Arnold, "If you're ever in trouble, open envelope #1, it will save your ass". Roughly 6 months go by, and things aren't going well for Arnold. So he reaches in the safe and pulls out the envelope marked 1. He opens it up and finds a letter from Grey Davis which says: "If you're ever in trouble, blame everything on me...trust me, it will work". So Arnold goes public and blames everything on Grey. Problem solved. A couple more months pass by, and things are going bad again. So Arnold opens envelope #2, which says: "Prepare two evelopes...."
Here's some pretty funny ones, I don't know if they have been posted and I'm NOT going to look through this entire thread to find out. Some I'm sure you've heard and some you haven't. The usual men vs. women jokes.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Subject: Luck of the Irish~!!
The Dublin Duo
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did
you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what
school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what
year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a
long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
an angel came down to earth and allowed two statues 15 minutes of human life. A man statue and a woman statue naturally went behind the bushes and for seven minutes there were squeals and grunts and yelps and moans. They ran out sweating and grinning and the angel said, "You still have 8 minutes left". The woman turned to the man and said, Okay lets do it again , except this time you hold the pigeon down and I get to shtein on it"
Q: What is Snoop Doggs favorite kind of weather?
A: Drizzle
Quote from: joneszilla on March 11, 2004, 05:10:18 PM
Q: What is Snoop Doggs favorite kind of weather?
A: Drizzle
Fo' shizzle. Dat joke be da sheezy on da heezy.
hehe...thought this one was cute:
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshtein with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore --
you're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.
LMAO, PG. Good one.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
Buttercups.........
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of
smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the puzzy willows."
Dave shouts back,
"DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !!"
Fred was a bad man, so when he passed on, he went to hell.
Upon his arrival, Fred was disappointed by the lack of excitement and the heat down there. He wandered upon another lost soul who told Fred he'd show him the ropes in hell.
"Hey, asked the lost soul, do you smoke?"
Fred says, "Yes, I smoke."
"Good, you'll love Monday's. Monday's, we can smoke all we want to. Cigars and cigs, whatever. Smoke all you want to on Monday's! Who cares that it's bad for you, we're already dead."
Fred is astonished.
"Hey, asked the lost soul, do you gamble?"
Fred say's, "Oh yeah, I gamble."
"Oh, then Tuesday's are the day for you! We can gamble at the poker tables and card games all day and all night. Skies the limit!"
Fred's thinking, WOW! This place is'nt so bad!
"Hey, asks the lost soul, do you do drugs?"
Fred say's, "Man, I love drugs!!"
"Oh, well than Wednesday's are the day of the week for you, friend! Any drug you want, weed, smack, coke, hash, heroin..... It's all there for the taking, as much as you care for!"
Fred's simply amazed.
"Hey, asks the lost soul, do like hard liquor?"
Fred say's, "That's my favorite!"
"Oh, well then Thursday's your can't miss day! It's all in abundance. Drink 'til you can't drink no more!"
Fred is beyond words with joy.
"Hey, asks the lost soul, are you gay?"
Fred say's, "Uh, no......."
"Uh-oh, you're not going to like Fridays....."
(sorry if this was already posted)
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost." I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shtein again, you're in my closet now".
Terrible joke. Everybody knows priests don't have sex with women. ::)
Quote from: KoRn on April 07, 2004, 10:24:47 AM
"Uh-oh, you're not going to like Fridays....."
:-D :-D :-D
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
;D
Every day Tony, from South Philly, who was a big man, would go to the park and eat his lunch, a Cheesesteak with the works. Across the street from the park was a health food store. They owner told his cashier, "Every day I watch that heavy guy eat a large Cheesesteak for lunch, he should try something healthy so he will live longer." The health store owner sat down on the bench next to Tony. "Hi, I'm the owner of that health food store across the street and I noticed you could use a change in your lunch diet." Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat a large Cheesesteak at lunch every day?"
South Philly Tony answered, "No, he minded his own farging business."
Quote from: Yeti on February 21, 2005, 11:10:43 AM
Every day Tony, from South Philly, who was a big man, would go to the park and eat his lunch, a Cheesesteak with the works. Across the street from the park was a health food store. They owner told his cashier, "Every day I watch that heavy guy eat a large Cheesesteak for lunch, he should try something healthy so he will live longer." The health store owner sat down on the bench next to Tony. "Hi, I'm the owner of that health food store across the street and I noticed you could use a change in your lunch diet." Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat a large Cheesesteak at lunch every day?"
South Philly Tony answered, "No, he minded his own farging business."
Is this story about CheesesteakDude?
found this in the daily news:
QuoteJosh from KC made my day with this
chuckle he sent ESPN.com's Page 2:
"I came up with a foolproof idea for disproving that the WNBA is a real sport. You choose a person from a city that has a WNBA team and ask him the following question, 'Would you rather your WNBA team win the championship or be walking along and find a $5 bill on the ground.' So far I haven't found anyone that will choose the championship."
lmfao MURP...I read that this morning...was the first thing I read...LOL
QuoteA college QB star and his coach walk into the Dean's office.
The Dean says, "I'm sorry, coach, but you're boy's grades just aren't good enough to play."
Coach says, "C'mon, Dean, we got our homecoming game coming up against our arch-rival. I gotta have the kid out there."
Dean considers, then says, "OK, the kid has a history exam coming up. If he can ace it, he can play."
The kid and coach walk out of the office. The kid says, "Coach, I can't pass that test. I haven't even attended a class."
Coach says, "Don't worry, kid, I got it all figured out."
A week passes, and the coach is called in to the Dean's office.
Dean says, "Well, coach, I got the grades from the history exam, and your boy scored a 98."
Coach: "Hey that's great!"
Dean: "Hold on coach, our brightest student also took this exam, and he also scored a 98."
Coach: "So, they both studied hard."
Dean: "Well, I had a trick question put on the exam, one which has no right answer. The smart kid wrote 'I don't know.'"
Coach: "So?"
Dean: "Your boy wrote 'Me neither'".
QuoteA powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run
to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf
and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives
him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I
would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"
ok, I can't resist.
1) A baby seal walks into a club.
2) 2 Native Americans were riding horseback through the woods, 1 a cheif, the other a teen. The cheif stops his horse, gets off, and puts his ear to the ground and listens for a few seconds. He gets up and says, "the buffalo come". Completely amazed, the younger one says "how can you tell that!?" The cheif rubs the side of his face and says, "sticky".
this next one is just wrong.
3) A 5 year old girl is wandering around her house, and goes into the bathroom where her mother is getting dressed for work. The litle girl points between her mother's legs and says "mommy, what is that?" The mother replies, "that's my vagina." The little girl says "when am I gonna get one of those?" The mother says "you already have one, but you won't need it for a long time." So the little girl goes into her parents' bedroom, where her father is getting dressed. She points between his legs and says, "daddy, what is that?" The father says "well honey, that's my pecker". She asks, "when am I gonna get one of those?" The father replies, "in about 5 minutes when your mother goes to work".
Boo to #3. Jeezus, at least make the girl a little older than 5.
Quote from: ILLEAGLE on February 23, 2005, 01:55:22 PM
ok, I can't resist.
1) A baby seal walks into a club.
2) 2 Native Americans were riding horseback through the woods, 1 a cheif, the other a teen. The cheif stops his horse, gets off, and puts his ear to the ground and listens for a few seconds. He gets up and says, "the buffalo come". Completely amazed, the younger one says "how can you tell that!?" The cheif rubs the side of his face and says, "sticky".
this next one is just wrong.
3) A 5 year old girl is wandering around her house, and goes into the bathroom where her mother is getting dressed for work. The litle girl points between her mother's legs and says "mommy, what is that?" The mother replies, "that's my vagina." The little girl says "when am I gonna get one of those?" The mother says "you already have one, but you won't need it for a long time." So the little girl goes into her parents' bedroom, where her father is getting dressed. She points between his legs and says, "daddy, what is that?" The father says "well honey, that's my pecker". She asks, "when am I gonna get one of those?" The father replies, "in about 5 minutes when your mother goes to work".
1. :cfhead :cfhead :cfhead :cfhead
2. :cfhead :cfhead
3. heard it before, but it is a classic.
Shortly after Adam & Eve had just got done getting busy for the first time God comes down and sees Adam sitting alone. God says to Adam: What you just did was wrong. Where is Eve I need to tell her as well. Adam says: She just went down to the river to clean up. God says. Damn! Now we will never get the smell out of the fish.
Quote
3. heard it before, but it is a classic.
It's on the first page of this thread [best PG imitation]::)[/best PG imitation]
Quote from: New Green Monster on February 23, 2005, 02:10:14 PM
Shortly after Adam & Eve had just got done getting busy for the first time God comes down and sees Adam sitting alone. God says to Adam: What you just did was wrong. Where is Eve I need to tell her as well. Adam says: She just went down to the river to clean up. God says. Damn! Now we will never get the smell out of the fish.
:-D
A clown and a 5 year old boy are walking through the woods at dusk. The boy says "Mister, these woods are scary." And the clown says "How do you think I feel, I gotta walk out of here alone."
Quote from: Yeti on February 23, 2005, 05:40:56 PM
Quote from: New Green Monster on February 23, 2005, 02:10:14 PM
Shortly after Adam & Eve had just got done getting busy for the first time God comes down and sees Adam sitting alone. God says to Adam: What you just did was wrong. Where is Eve I need to tell her as well. Adam says: She just went down to the river to clean up. God says. Damn! Now we will never get the smell out of the fish.
:-D
A clown and a 5 year old boy are walking through the woods at dusk. The boy says "Mister, these woods are scary." And the clown says "How do you think I feel, I gotta walk out of here alone."
They all float down heeere.....(evil clown voice)
So this guy is (orally pleasing his girlfriend ;) ) and he comes upon a small pea. A bit odd, but not goin make a big deal out of it. So he continues and he now comes upon a small carrott. The guy is a bit ticked by this, figures if he gets one more thing he's goin say something. So he continues, and then comes upon a nice chunk of celary. The guy's like thats it, I gotta something. So he says "baby, you sick or something?" The women lifts up her head and says "no, but the guy before you was.
A guy walks into a whore house and says to one skanky looking ho "I betcha I can guess how many guys you farged today. If I do, you gotta farg me for me. If not, I'll pay you $1000." The women figures he has no shot, so she agrees. So the guy goes into her room and closes the door. He comes back 5 minutes later and says "You farged 12 guys today." The womens likes "Damnit. How'd you know it?" He replies "I drank your douche water and counted the lups."
My girlfriend confronted me the other day...she asked me if I had been having sex behind her back? I said "yeah, who the hell did you think it was?'
Quote from: GREENFEATHER on February 24, 2005, 12:01:39 PM
My girlfriend confronted me the other day...she asked me if I had been having sex behind her back? I said "yeah, who the hell did you think it was?'
:-D
A Three-year-old little boy was examining his
testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
Maxim magazine's $200 joke this month:
(by the way, JLH is the cover girl)
A man takes his seat on a place to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.
"Business trip or vacation?" he asks.
"Business," she replies. "The annual sex convention."
"What are you doing there?"
"Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality," she answers.
"Like what?" says the guy.
"People think African men are the most endowed, but it's actually Native Americans men," she says. "And another mytch is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it's actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity."
Blushing, the woman adds, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying all of this. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," says the man. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux."
Some runner-ups:
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar, and each woman orders her drink using only an abbreviation.
"I'll take one BL," says the brunette to the bartender. He hands her a Bud Light.
"One MT, please," orders the redhead. The bartenders makes her a mai tai.
"I'll have a 26," says the blonde.
"What the hell is that?" asks the bartender.
"Duh," says the blonde. "A 7 & 7."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun wearing a full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut. She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in the sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, he yells...
"You're not so tough, are you, Batman?!?"
If you do not like your spouses family:
"So honey, will your whole family be coming over for dinner? Or, just the ones that can walk upright?
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,
and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window,
and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the
door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if
they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car,
runs up, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time,
he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to
the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says. "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA
and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."
Why don't Sri Lankians shower?
Cause they wash up on the beach.
Im going to hell....... :evil
:-D
What is the fastest animal in the world?
A chicken in Ethiopia.
What do fat chicks do in the summer?
Stink.
Quote from: mussa on March 11, 2005, 12:16:06 PM
Why don't Sri Lankians shower?
Cause they wash up on the beach.
Im going to hell....... :evil
:-D :-D :-D
Reminds me of another 'funny' one....
What is Osama Bin Ladens favorite football team?
The New York Jets.
What is Iraqs national bird.
"Duck"
Quote from: Yeti on March 11, 2005, 12:30:48 PM
:-D
What is the fastest animal in the world?
A chicken in Ethiopia.
:-D
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him .... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like
hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,
and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked
up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
Kentucky;
This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee
hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the
second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This
duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi
hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed
its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from
South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled
at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,
"You tell me. You're the expert."
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
Quote from: MURP on March 14, 2005, 03:56:12 PM
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
The real Murp ending:
So he eviscerated her with a kitchen knife and wore the intestines as Hawaiian Leis.
Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?
Because theres 20 of them. :evil
Quote from: Dillen37 on March 15, 2005, 02:57:12 PM
Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?
Because theres 20 of them. :evil
He's coming for you next.
good thinkin Upfront. :yay
Quote from: Dillen37 on March 15, 2005, 02:57:12 PM
Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?
Because theres 20 of them. :evil
That's not really a joke that works very well in type. You could have at least typed "twenty eight" to make it correct.
I'm just saying.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM
FAULT
ACTION
Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another drink.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another drink.
Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Drink is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free alcohol.
Your singing sounds distorted.
The drink is too weak.
Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.
Drink is just right.
Play air guitar.
This is one of those heart-warming stories you just have
to share with good friends. Enjoy.
A man was sitting on a beach. Tragically, through a recent car accident,
he had lost both both his arms and legs. During the long afternoon, as he
remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each
felt very sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said; Have you ever had a hug?
The man said No; so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said; Have you ever had a kiss?
The man said No, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said; Have you ever been farged?
The fellow said No; She said; You will be when the tide comes in.
A cathedral interviewed a man with no arms for a position as bell ringer. How will you ring the bell, the priest asked? I'll show you he says. So he climbs up the bell tower and rings it by hitting it with his head. That's amazing, says the priest. You ain't seen nothing yet, he says, and starts jumping from bell to bell ringing them until he slips and falls to his death.
Two strangers approach and one says, who's that? The second one says, I don't know, but his face rings a bell.
How does a Dallas Cowboys fan practice safe sex?
Spray paint a red X on the sheep that kick.
Tasteless joke:
Q. What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A. The 12 year old locked in Hbionic's basement.
Really tasteless joke:
So I'm shagging this hottie from behind a couple days ago and I decide to put it in her bum. So without asking I just rammed it right in there. The girl didn't even flinch! She just looked back at me and said "Do you mind putting that back in my vagina?"
I was shocked! I said to her "Vagina? That's an awfully big word for a 9 year old."
Quote from: MadMarchHare on April 14, 2005, 04:43:21 PM
A cathedral interviewed a man with no arms for a position as bell ringer. How will you ring the bell, the priest asked? I'll show you he says. So he climbs up the bell tower and rings it by hitting it with his head. That's amazing, says the priest. You ain't seen nothing yet, he says, and starts jumping from bell to bell ringing them until he slips and falls to his death.
Two strangers approach and one says, who's that? The second one says, I don't know, but his face rings a bell.
That's farging hilarious.
Quote from: SSgt PSN on April 16, 2005, 10:43:21 PM
Tasteless joke:
Q. What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A. The 12 year old locked in Hbionic's basement.
Really tasteless joke:
So I'm shagging this hottie from behind a couple days ago and I decide to put it in her bum. So without asking I just rammed it right in there. The girl didn't even flinch! She just looked back at me and said "Do you mind putting that back in my vagina?"
I was shocked! I said to her "Vagina? That's an awfully big word for a 9 year old."
:-D
Quote from: MadMarchHare on April 14, 2005, 04:43:21 PM
A cathedral interviewed a man with no arms for a position as bell ringer. How will you ring the bell, the priest asked? I'll show you he says. So he climbs up the bell tower and rings it by hitting it with his head. That's amazing, says the priest. You ain't seen nothing yet, he says, and starts jumping from bell to bell ringing them until he slips and falls to his death.
Two strangers approach and one says, who's that? The second one says, I don't know, but his face rings a bell.
The next day, the armless man's brother shows up, armless himself. As he starts ringing the bells, he too falls to his death.
Two strangers approach and one says, who's that? The second one says, I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.
What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
Knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
shtein, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.
Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!"
A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.
I got a new car radio yesterday.
It has voice recognition.
You shout "soul" ....and it searches for a soul station and starts
playing soul music. You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll. You
shout "country"
and it finds country music. Some kids ran in front of my car,
causing me to swerve at the last second. I yelled out "F***ing kids".
Now... my radio is playing Michael Jackson
QuoteJesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!"
:-D
So, an average guy and an extremely attractive woman are stranded on a deserted island. After a couple of weeks and out of sheer boredom, the women agrees to start having sex with the man. After a couple of weeks of this, the man asks the woman for a favor:
Man: "Would you mind putting on my tattered clothes?"
Woman: "Sure, why not..."
M: "Would you mind using this mud to paint on a moustache?"
W: "Uh... sure... fine."
M: "Hey, do you mind if I call you 'Jack'?"
W: "I suppose not, if you really want to."
M: "Great! So.... JACK! You wouldn't believe this hottie I've been banging!"
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice from the shadows call out, "20 bucks?"
The man takes the mystery woman up on her offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
"Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife," replies the man.
"Sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."
The man replies, "Neither did I, until you turned on your flashlight."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A depressed young woman is about to leap off the Brooklyn Bridge when a young sailor sees her and yells, "Don't jump!"
"Why?" she yells back. "I have nothing to live for. My life is pathetic."
"Listen," he replies. "I'm sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll sneak you onto our ship and bring you food every day. We'll keep each other company. Deal?"
The girl agrees, and the sailor stows her on board. Every night he brings her sandwiches to eat the next day, then the two have sex until the sun comes up. 3 weeks lates the captain stumbles across the girl and demands to know why she's on board.
"I have a deal with one of the sailors," she explains. "I get a free trip to Europe, and he screws me."
"He certainly does," the captain laughs. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
(Yes, these are all from the most recent "Maxim")
A drunk guy walks into a clock shop. He goes to the counter and pulls out his unit. The lady behind the counter says "Excuse me sir, this is a clock shop". He say "I know............
I want two hands and a face on this."
What do Caviar and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both cum on little white crackers. >:D
From this month's Maxim:
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang, and wipes off the tip. A minute lanter the man sneezes again, then pulls out his member to clean it off. Then it happens yet again.
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've pulled out your penis to wipe it off!" yells the woman next to him. "What's your deal?!?"
"Sorry, ma'am," the guy replies, "I have a condition where I orgasm when I sneeze."
"What are you taking for it?" she asks.
"Pepper."
Two guys want to drink but only have a buck between them, so one runs to a deli and buys a hot dog. "Follow my lead," he says as they walk into a bar and order two shots.
"When I stick the hot dog through my fly, get on your knees and suck it," he says. "We'll get kicked out." His pal plays along, and sure enough the bartender throws them out. They proceed to use the same trick at five more bars.
"I can't do this anymore," says the second guy. "My knees are killing me, and I'm starving,"
"Not me," says the first guy. "I ate that hot dog three bars ago."
A man is walking home, struggling to carry a bucket and an anvil, a couple of chickens, and a goose. An old lady walks up and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"
"I'm headed that way," the man says. "I'd walk you, but I can't carry all this."
"Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" suggests the old lady.
"Why, thank you very much," he says. On the way to Mockingbird Lane, the man suggests taking a shortcut down a dark alley.
The little old lady says cautiously, "How do I know you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The man says, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How could I possibly do that, too?!?"
"Set down the goose, cover him up with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A woman gets the news that her grandfather has died. Following the news, she goes to comfort her grandmother. She asks her grandmother how her grandfather died.
"He died while we were having sex." the grandmother answered.
Shocked, the woman tells her grandmother that she's bothered by the fact that people at their age are still having sex.
"Well dear," the grandmother explained, "We'd worked out a system where we would have sex every Sunday afternoon after church lets out. We'd move to the rythym of the church bell. In on the 'ding', out on the 'dong'.
The grandmother starts to get choked up and says, "We would have been just fine if that farging ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Hugh Hefner... now getting bored with his routine pool parties, decides to do something different. He goes to the pet store, buys 3 alligators, 6 electrick eels and a dozen piranhas and has them all put into his pool.
The next party comes around and it's packed as usual.
"Excuse me, everyone! Excuse me! Can I have your attention?!" shouts Hugh, "I'd like to issue a challenge to all the men in attendance. I'm going to give any man here $50,000 to swim across my pool."
All the guys look into the pool and see all the alligators and all and there are no takers.
"Ok then," Hugh continues, "I'll give any man here $100,000 to swim across the pool."
Still no takers.
"OK, let's get serious. I'll give any man here $500,000 and a night with my most prized playmate to do with her as they please, if they will only swim across this pool."
After a few seconds... there's a big splash. Everyone turns around and sure enough, there's a guy in the pool. He's swimming along, wrestling the alligators, fighting off the eels and snatching the biting piranhas off his skin. Eventually, the guy pulls himself up on the other side of the pool.
Hugh walks over to congratulate the guy, "Wow! I'm impressed. I didn't think anyone was actually going to do it. But, as I promised... here's your $500,000 check and here's the key to your room for a night with my playmate."
The guy responds, "In a minute, Hugh. First I wanna find the son of a bitch who pushed me into that pool!"
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her ball into a foursome of men.
To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with his hands between his crotch.
She runs up to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and asking if is there anything she can do to help him.
Barely able to speak, he manages to answer, "No thanks....just give me a few minutes....I'll be fine."
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man she gently undoes his pants and starts massaging his genitals.
"Does that feel better?" she asks.
"Well...yes...that feels pretty good" he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
An eight year old boy asks his father, "Daddy, what's a transvestite?"
The father replies, "Go ask your mother. He'll tell you."
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat ugly lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled herself between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blond woman in a tank top stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...
"Go get your mother..."
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch....
NAKED
What does broccoli and anal have in common?
Kids don't like anything you force on them
Sun Mo stole Tomahawk's account.
Yeah, we need one, so farg off.
Man overdoses on Viagra, Cialis & Levitra. Official cause of death?
HARD attack.
DUMBASS. (http://www.concretefield.info/forum/index.php?topic=8639.180)
I don't get it.
Holy shtein. Did someone really just take the time to merge an eight year old thread that hasn't been posted in for over two years with the one I just made?
That's awesome.
First thing I thought when I saw your "new" joke thread a few minutes ago was: wtf...Rome knows damn well that we have one already, AND he knows how to use the search function...
Merge WIN
Didn't know we had one. The farging thing was eight years old. It was so old people like None Betta, Syracuse, & Chuck Chillout were still posting here.
Plus PG started it. A joke thread. PG.
How would I even search for something like that?
Still, excellent merge.
There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: ''The Lord of the Rings'' and ''Atlas Shrugged''. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
Ayn Rand's "objectivism" summed up in five words:
"farg you, I got mine."
A priest, a minister and a rabbi go into a bar and sit down. The bartender looks at them and says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
Quote from: Tomahawk on January 12, 2009, 11:04:35 AM
What does broccoli and anal have in common?
Kids don't like anything you force on them
How did I miss that one.
:cfhead :cfhead :cfhead :cfhead :cfhead
Haha...I forgot all about those eagle heads.
Quote from: Zanshin on March 25, 2011, 08:54:42 AM
Haha...I forgot all about those eagle heads.
We used to be able to do half heads too.
I don't think we could. People would just post
:cfhead :cfhead :cfhead 1/2
Quote from: FastFreddie on March 14, 2005, 01:08:01 PM
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him .... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Quoted for Rome
That was pretty frickin good.
What do you call it when workers at a Chinese restaurant go on strike?
A wokout.
What did the general do with his armies?
He put them in his sleevies.
So stupid. And funny.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
That was brilliant. I didn't haha laugh...but it was brilliant.
I'm pretty sure my dad told me that joke 24 years ago.
Was it right before he said "I'm going to the store" and never came back?
Sure.
That's all the reason I need to post this (http://www.myspace.com/video/jeffdavis/the-naked-trucker-t-bones-my-daddy-was-an-astronaut/4003708).
MySpace? Holy god. Is that still a thing?
Yukon Jack is nasty swill.
speaking of drinking.....new cocktail at my local pub called the bin laden...
its two shots and a splash of water
that drink special was new 3 weeks ago
yeah could be a lot older than that as i havent been there in months
Quote from: ice grillin you on May 18, 2011, 12:33:16 PM
yeah could be a lot older than that as i havent been there in months
Nope...it was invented on May 2nd. The two shots symbolize the double tap to the head that killed him and the splash of water is for dumping his corpse in the sea
gotcha....makes sense
and ive spent the past 3 weeks trying to figure this all out
Another mystery solved. Good work, gang!
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
i dont know what any of that means but stop trying to spread your aussie filth
Quote from: Tomahawk on May 18, 2011, 12:45:29 PM
Quote from: ice grillin you on May 18, 2011, 12:33:16 PM
yeah could be a lot older than that as i havent been there in months
Nope...it was invented on May 2nd. The two shots symbolize the double tap to the head that killed him and the splash of water is for dumping his corpse in the sea
Actually it was invented in 1985. The joke was "how do you make a Klinghofer float?" - with the answer 2 shots and a splash of water. It was named after Leon Klinghofer, a 69 year old cripple in a wheelchair shot twice and thrown overboard a cruise ship that was being held hostage by Palestinian terrorists.
why didn't hitler drink alcohol?
it made him mean.
Hitler may have killed 6 million jews, but he sure as farging hell saved the History channel.
I used to date a baker and then one day out of the blue she broke up with me. To this day I have no idea why. I gave her everything she could possibly need.
that's just how she rolls
For real. That lady's boyfriend turnover rate is high and rising.
she was afraid if she stayed she'd become a battered wife.
A very prim and proper lady had found a lost dog and was advertising for the owner in the classifieds. Being concerned and protective, she indicated that she would need verification that it was the dog in question from any responders. The first call she received went like this:
I think you found my dog.
Well, how do I know that it is your dog? (suspiciously asked in an uptight proper voice)
Just yell out 'Peanut butter in the crotch!'
Pardon?
Yell out, 'Peanut Butter in the crotch!'
(Quiet subdued voice) 'Peanut butter in the crotch.'
NO, you have to yell it!
(Little louder) 'Peanut butter in the crotch.'
NO, bitch!, you have to YELL it!
(Yelling)..."PEANUT BUTTER IN THE CROTCH!"
Did the dog come running?
No.
That ain't my dog.
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.
:-D I love black people jokes!
(http://chaospet.com/comics/2007-09-20-33.png)
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
A man is walking along the beach admiring the view when he comes across a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up, notices it's empty but has a cork in it. He pulls the cork out, and POOF, out comes the Genie.
The Genie says, Okay, sir... you know the drill, I've been trapped in this bottle for a thousand years, blah, blah, blah, you get one wish so make it a good one.
The man thinks for a second and says, Okay, here's what I want. I'm terrified of the water and I'm also terrified of flying in an airplane, but I've always wanted to see Hawaii. So what I'd like is for you to build a bridge from California all the way to Hawaii so I can get there without having to fly or get on a ship.
The Genie thinks for a second, and says, Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to build a bridge that is several thousand miles long? Do you know the engineering involved in such a proposition? It would be an almost impossible task! Please choose any other wish. I promise, no matter what it is, I'll grant it to you.
The man thinks for a second and says, Okay, how about this. Write me a book in precise detail the list of all the reasons women do the insane things they do.
The Genie replies, That bridge... you want it to be two lanes or four lanes?
Yeah, building 3000 mile long bridges is easier to do than understanding women. We get it. I guess all of our female members will get a good laugh at this one though.
At least SD will think it's funny. And probably Russell. Definitely not Chuggie, though.
He (SD) won't. He doesn't find anything about women to be funny at all....unless they are suffering.
I rarely find jokes to be funny. This one was no exception.
seriously how lame is rome
When he isn't posting puns he's pretty awful.
MDS awful or Yeti awful?
Quote from: rjs246 on April 02, 2012, 02:45:13 PM
I rarely find jokes to be funny. This one was no exception.
Then why are you reading the joke thread?
I like reaffirming my beliefs.
Quote from: General_Failure on April 02, 2012, 06:12:49 PM
MDS awful or Yeti awful?
Yeti is awful in a downs syndrome kind of way. MDS is awful in a we already have IGY and don't need another kind of way. When Rome isn't punning, he's just Rome, which is it's own brand of awful.
and you are....
Simply delightful.
Quote from: Sgt PSN on April 02, 2012, 09:32:25 PM
Quote from: General_Failure on April 02, 2012, 06:12:49 PM
MDS awful or Yeti awful?
Yeti is awful in a downs syndrome kind of way. MDS is awful in a we already have IGY and don't need another kind of way. When Rome isn't punning, he's just Rome, which is it's own brand of awful.
Quote from: General_Failure on April 02, 2012, 06:12:49 PM
MDS awful or Yeti awful?
whoa whoa what the farg?
I said....Whoa whoa what the farg?