Link (http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/10/ksk-guide-to-being-insufferable-hole-s.html)
QuoteWith the Red Sox advancing to the World Series, Boston College still undefeated, KG moving to the Celtics, and this year's Patriots in the process of becoming the best team in the history of the NFL (and you're deluding yourself if you can't accept the reality of that), we are on the verge of witnessing a perfect storm of douchebaggery emanating from the greater Boston area. We're talking the absolute zenith of self-important fargfacery. The sky will turn pitch black and rain vinegar upon us all.
I have done all that I can to stop this. I've offered bounties, yet NFL defenders remain too dumb, and NFL defensive coaches too incompetent to call for a drop kick right to Tom Brady's patella. We at KSK have also tried repeatedly hammering the point home that Bill Simmons is a farging douchebag (see below, or just wait for the next post). It's a like a political talking point: the more often we say it, the more likely it is to stick in your brain, regardless of whether or not you actually believe it ("Oh, Bill Simmons? Yeah, he's a douche. No, wait! I kinda used to like him! Damn you, KSK!"). But those efforts have done nothing to stem this growing doucheflood.
We are left with two options. The first option is to cultivate the hatred the rest of the nation has for these people, so that, even when the Patriots or Red Sox win, they cannot savor the victory fully. After all, if there's any group of fans that has a "Why can't you be happy for us?" mentality, it's New England sports fans. Not only do they act douchey when they win. But they fully expect you to jump on the bandwagon with them. Witness Simmons' infamous Pats-hater bitchfest from earlier in the year, one of the sorriest sports columns ever written.
Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is farging annoying. It doesn't matter how the other team won. They're not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. farg this "appreciating" other teams shtein. Normal fans don't do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can't farging stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he's not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he's not gonna grasp much of anything.
So that's one option. But there is another option, and that is, of course, to join them. Is this a lame thing to do? Oh, yeah. Total farghead move. But hey, maybe you're a Dolphins fan and you've abandoned all hope. Maybe becoming a dipshtein icehole cumguzzler like Jimmy Fallon is your only way to stay happy. I don't approve, but I'm not here to judge. We at KSK are here for the people, so we've come up with a few rules, listed below, of just how to turn yourself into one of these fans. One bonus of becoming an insufferable Boston bandwagon fan is that it gives the rest of us extra ammunition to want to gut New England fans with a paring knife, which I'm more than okay with. Hate feels good. It really gets me through my day.
Lest you think these rules are farcical, I assure you they are not. No one knows the psyche of New England sports fans quite like I do. I went to dipshtein prep school in New England. I went to college in New England. My parents have lived in Connecticut for the past 17 years. You might even call me a "total farging hypocrite," which is more than fair. I've been in the heart of the douche. I've worn the fleece. I've heard all the God Street Wine songs. I know what it's all about. I had plenty of opportunities to join the brood. Despite my own history of wanton douchebaggery, I resisted. But I'm still enough of a preppy dicksmack to help you reach your goal. Here now, is how you become one of "them":
1. Use Manny Ramirez to justify all your stereotypes about Latin Americans, but do NOT use David Ortiz to refute any of them.
2. Bitch about Dane Cook "representing" you while, at the same time, rocking his exact same haircut.
3. Boast about Bill Belichick's strategic genius as if it is somehow indirectly your doing. You'll see plenty of New England fans, when seeing another coach farg up, say to you, "Now, would Belichick do something like that? Hell no. He'd do it totally different." You see, pointing out Belichick's acumen is a way of trying to pass it off as your own. He's smart, which makes you smart! Talk about Belichick the same way a proud father boasts about his child prodigy. You won't be any more intelligent. In fact, you'll still be a farging eggplant. But you'll feel more intelligent, and that's nice.
4. Own $1,000 worth of Red Sox merchandise, but no Patriots merchandise whatsoever. The lone exception: The Wes Welker jersey. Pats fans love Wes Welker because he's white. Just like them! They also love Tedi Bruschi, because he's kinda white. And hey, that's not bad either.
5. Be sure to boast about all the hot chicks Tom Brady gets to nail. Because that's totally something for YOU to brag about.
6. Complain earnestly about how many ads Peyton Manning appears in while continuing to brag about the Pats' O-line being Brady's five layers of protection. Lord knows Brady's never been in an ad for Stetson, or Movado, or Gap, or any of that shtein.
7. If you put a five into a jukebox at any sports bar, you must play "Satellite" by the Dave Matthews Band at least once.
8. Act proudly ignorant of things you already know. Like so: "Hey, who was that colored guy in that "Rush Hour" movie? He was all right." You know damn well it's Chris Tucker, but the casual racism makes you 50% more charming to chicks in Framingham. This works even better if you're a Boston-area college student. Yeah, you go to Tufts, but you have no fackin' idea who those Maroon 5 flags are. Sure, buddy. For a walking example of proud stupidity, consult this dumbshtein:
9. Be sure to try and distinguish yourself as a "real fan". All "real" Boston fans must be able to judge their fellow Boston fans' credibility. Never been to Fenway? Poseur. Didn't like the Pat Patriot logo? Bandwagoner. Went to college outside New England? Turncoat. Too young to remember the '86 Celtics? flag.
10. Bitch about the Boston accents in any film or TV show. "Yeah, 'The Depahted' was fackin' great, but they don't talk like that in fackin' REVEEEEAH!!!" Yes, no film could ever accurately depict just how real, how fierce your hardscrabble Newton upbringing was.
11. Adopt the attitude that you, yes you, DESERVE this success. "Hey, we Pats fans know how it used to be back in the day. We earned these titles." Don't treat your team's good fortune as the stroke of good fortune it happens to be. No, no, no. Your championship has to be deeper then someone else's championship. It has to mean something more. Why? Because you fancy yourself as being introspective. Cockgobbler. Treat it like some sort of karmic reward for Len Bias dying, or some other twisted, idiotic explanation.
12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! farging die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. "Hey, you can't rip on Papelbon! He's fackin' one of us!" Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.
13. Be sure to grow your hair out under your artificially aged Red Sox hat so that little hair wings sprout out the side. That looks great.
14. Laugh at your own jokes. You're so funny, guy!
15. Shun Ben Affleck. Embrace Matt Damon. That apples line never gets old!
16. Finally, bitch about everything: critics, certain players who personally disappoint you, etc. They call it New England for a reason. People in England love to farging complain. You are the newer, even more annoying model.
Follow these rules and I promise you that everyone from the nation's remaining 44 states will want to rape you with a hammer. But hey, you're a Boston sports fan now. You'll be completely ignorant to your own jackassery. That's the beauty of it. You are now just as farging annoying as a Notre Dame football fan, or a Duke basketball fan. That's right, Pats fan. That's the level you're at right now. Enjoy your world titles, you farging cockhog.
Did RJS write this entire article?
I got a good laugh out of this one:
Quote4. Own $1,000 worth of Red Sox merchandise, but no Patriots merchandise whatsoever. The lone exception: The Wes Welker jersey. Pats fans love Wes Welker because he's white. Just like them! They also love Tedi Bruschi, because he's kinda white. And hey, that's not bad either.
I had Russell in mind the entire time I was reading this article, and before he mentions it I'll save him the trouble:
Quote from: rjs246 on October 22, 2007, 05:17:17 PM
Also, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't mock you all for thinking about me in your free time. Fruits.
I honestly could have written that whole farging thing. The dude even delivers his phrases in exactly the same way that I do. Which means that while I enjoyed the article, this dude is a farging biter. Dick.
You people seriously need to stop thinking of Russell.
13. Be sure to grow your hair out under your artificially aged Red Sox hat so that little hair wings sprout out the side. That looks great.
that shtein is funny but the entire thing loses all credibility for not once mentioning seashell necklaces
i'm the only one who really knows russell here and I think of him way less than you homos.
Hahaha
he slept on my couch once...i thought about him when i smelled the cushions
although i did think of russell when i pulled my balls out at the bar the other night.
Dude, that's my gag.
hence me thinking of you.
Ah yes, it's all coming together now.
QuoteBoston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is farging annoying. It doesn't matter how the other team won. They're not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. farg this "appreciating" other teams shtein. Normal fans don't do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can't farging stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he's not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he's not gonna grasp much of anything.
This might be the most accurate statement ever written in the history of the universe.
Quote from: ice grillin you on October 23, 2007, 09:39:44 AM
that shtein is funny but the entire thing loses all credibility for not once mentioning seashell necklaces
i think #7 basically says that without actually saying it.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/playoffs2007/news/story?id=3075195
:-D
i am very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very (add about 100 more very's) sorry that i was very very very very very very (add another 1000 very's) bad at the red sox game. i so very very very very very (1000 more very's) much hope the sox win the World series.
You forgot to use the phrase 'all set' 200 times or refer to the judge as 'guy'. Go Sox!
that was in the comments section.
also, at the end it will say:
PS - Dicky Barrett rules!
Working with a bunch of Boston transplants has really driven home some of the points in that article.
I LOL'd quite a bit and didn't think of Russell once.
I've been hating on Boston for as long as I can remember. Good blog post and farg that racist town.
Wow. You're pretty cutting edge there, guy.
I have set numerous trends over the years. This is just another, Rusty.
having gone to college in New Hampshire, yes NH from Hawaii, i find this absolutely farging hilarious and 100% correct.
* This is a completely true story. I know it seems preposterous but I swear to God it happened just like this. *
I went to the Oyster Pub in Daytona last night to watch the Flyers. A couple of buddies of mine are Buffalo fans so they watched the Sabres on one big screen and I watched the Flyers on the other.
Anyway, a Boston dickhead comes over and asks if he could watch the Red Sox game on one of them. Now keep in mind this place has over 50 televisions, so of course we said no. He started to say something and I turned to him and said, "look man, no one here gives a farg about the Red Sox. We're here to watch hockey games so go watch your game on another television - there's like 50 of them in this joint."
Just then the general manager (who's a good friend of mine) walks up and asks if there's a problem. This Boston fag starts whining about the bar showing hockey during the World Series and without batting an eye the GM replies, "the game is on like 35 televisions throughout this place. These guys are REGULAR customers and I've never seen you before in my life - so guess what, they can sit here and watch bowling if they want to and if you don't like it, you can get the hell out."
The guy turned around and walked right out the front door.
Wow, a Boston fan who doesn't care about hockey and only wants to watch baseball like a fag? Preposterous!
Does Boston even have a hockey team?
Not when they're losing.
Hahaha
Fanwagoners.
Its absolutely true. I have never seen a town that utterly ignores its teams when they're losing but falls all over itself to praise and worship and ejaculate all over its winners. At least DC just ignores sports entirely. Boston only likes sports when it's convenient to root for a winner. farging front-runners.
Hmmm...
Quote from: rjs246 on October 25, 2007, 09:46:05 AM
Its absolutely true. I have never seen a town that utterly ignores its teams when they're losing but falls all over itself to praise and worship and ejaculate all over its winners.
[Bo-sox apologist] Hmmm... Rockies, Marlins, Bucs, & WhiteSox come to mind. [/Bo-sox apologist]
Philly does it to with everyone but the eagles.
Quote from: MDS on October 23, 2007, 05:40:59 PM
I've been hating on Boston for as long as I can remember. Good blog post and farg that racist town.
Boston is old & white & rich. They have an inferiority complex to NY. They have a bunch of Ivy-league snobbery wearing yacht club polo shirts. They have been milking the "Curse" burden for decades, so they are hard to feel sorry for. I represent the rural blue-collar Maine kids that shoot animals, drink beer, and get wicked retahded. That is where the real fans come from. The rest of New England is pretty cool (Rural Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont) Most of the shteinheads are from Mass via NY anyways. Die Yankees & Giants...
Kill yourself.
I would but then I would miss all of your clever Haikus...
Die.
Boston likes to ban books too (http://www.boston.com/ae/books/articles/2007/10/25/man_from_ministry_bans_potter/)
wait a second this guy is eagles and red sox?
whoa....feva and die hard have some competition for douchiest fan
I'm not a BYU fan. :paranoid
farg Boston.
Sox up 2 to zip. The sweep is still possible, that makes some of you happy. AIDS...
The only thing that would make me happier than a sox choke would be their plane getting the John Denver treatment on the way to Colorado
As long as they're not routed thru your burning city the pilots should be fine.
Last time I checked it was drizzling in Philly
Swing and a miss... figured u was from San Diego.
Moved from there about 2 years ago
This thread is long overdue for a bump. F
Ortiz popped for roids in 2003. So he and Manny were both juciin during the Sox world series. *
The Sports Guy had a pretty entertaining article about that. (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090507&sportCat=mlb)
QuoteEver since Boston won the World Series 10 years ago, I always imagined pointing to that 2004 banner and telling my little boy, "That's the team that changed everything."
So that's what I do. I point at the banner and tell him, "That's the team that changed everything."
"Isn't that the team that cheated?" he asks.
My father and I glance at each other. A few beats pass.
"Well, technically, no," I stammer. "I mean ..."
"I thought they had a whole bunch of steroids guys on that team," he says.
The rest of the article points out all the guys on that team who might have been usin'.
I'd like to get Ryan Madson on the juice. Guy looks like he'd snap in a strong wind.
Quote from: QB Eagles on July 30, 2009, 05:44:21 PM
The Sports Guy had a pretty entertaining article about that. (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090507&sportCat=mlb)
QuoteEver since Boston won the World Series 10 years ago, I always imagined pointing to that 2004 banner and telling my little boy, "That's the team that changed everything."
So that's what I do. I point at the banner and tell him, "That's the team that changed everything."
"Isn't that the team that cheated?" he asks.
My father and I glance at each other. A few beats pass.
"Well, technically, no," I stammer. "I mean ..."
"I thought they had a whole bunch of steroids guys on that team," he says.
The rest of the article points out all the guys on that team who might have been usin'.
i remember reading that a few months ago when it got put out. funny that he mentioned ortiz and manny and just a couple days ago their names got leaked as being on the original list of positive tests.