Here's one I heard again for the very first time...
Q. How do you make a seven year old boy cry twice?
A. Rub your bloody penis on his teddy bear.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named it 'Sum Ting Wong'
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget.
Trevor loves tractors, he absolutely adores them.
He has tractor sheets, tractor curtains, tractor cutlery, he even has an old tractor in the garden he loves to tinker with.
So when Trevor hears that the Tractor show is in town, he's ecstatic.
He puts on his tractor socks, suit, and tractor tie, and walks to the show.
He goes into the first showroom, and straight away there's the most beautiful tractor he's ever seen. It's parts are polished so much he can see his face in them.
He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."
So he climbs up onto the tractor, and finds the key. He turns it.
"Vroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
The tractor starts up, and just when he's enjoying the sound of it, the tractor turns off and he's pulled off the seat by a large man in a suit (but no tractors on his tie)
"What do you think you are doing? This is a tractor show, not a joyride site!" says the angry man.
"Sorry" says Trevor, and goes on his way.
The next room has a large Trac-2000 tractor. Trevor's heard about these in his tractor magazines, they're meant to be faster than anything. The wheels reach up to his head, and it too glistens in the lights of the showroom.
But those niggling thoughts creep in again, he looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."
So he climbs up the steps into the canopy, reaches for the keys, and turns it.
"vvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV"
The tractor starts up, it sounds like a dream, but before he can grab the steering wheel he is once again accosted and pulled out of the tractor.
"What on Earth are you doing?" says the angry man, "If I catch you doing that again, you're out of here!"
Trevor is upset, but his love of tractors wins, and he goes onto the next showroom.
"Hmm... I wonder where the tractor is" he thinks.
Then he realises that in each corner of the large room is the bottom of a wheel. He is in fact standing underneath what may be the biggest tractor in existence. It's even got tours around the multiple floors of the inside.
So he gets in the elevator next to the right-front whel, and heads to the top floor, the bridge of the tractor.
He steps out, and everything's beautiful. Glistening with crystal, gold, diamonds, with liquid crystal touchscreen displays for the controls.
And he can't help it... He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."
At this time, he doesn't care about the warning from the angry man running the showroom. He reaches for one of the controls and presses "On"
The sound is glorious! His ears prick up at what sounds like an airplane engine mixed with the beeps of the bridge's many tractor diagnostic and startup tools.
He looks around, enjoying every minute, but as he sits in the driver's chair the elevator door opens, and the angry man enters, flanked by two security guards.
Needless to say, Trevor was out on the streets in no time, kicked out by the angry man, who shouts "And I will make sure that you never set foot near another tractor IN YOUR LIFE!"
Trevor is distraught, he loves tractors, but if he can't go near them.......
In his anger, he rips off his tie, removes the pattern from his socks, and goes down the pub to drown his sorrows.
He sits down, the barman recognises his sadness and gives him a whisky on the house.
Suddenly, a fire starts in the back room, people are running, screaming, scared for their lives. People start to file out of the pub, but Trevor quickly stands and walks towards the back room.
He takes a long inhale of breath, and breathes in all the smoke from the room, then runs outside and exhales it all into the sky.
He probably saved countless lives being lost by smoke inhalation.
When the firemen come and congratulate him, they obviously ask, "How did you do it?"
"Easy" said Trevor, "I'm an Ex-Tractor-Fan"
i want to hurt you
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Quote from: General_Failure on October 13, 2006, 03:38:41 PM
"Easy" said Trevor, "I'm an Ex-Tractor-Fan"
All that for a pun? Whoa.
Don't make me track down the six pages that end in a pun.
Quote from: SunMo on October 13, 2006, 03:42:47 PM
i want to hurt you
take a number pal. i'm kicking his ass first.
Quote from: Wingspan on October 13, 2006, 05:00:07 PM
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
bhahahahaha
What is better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Blind hookers ..... ya gotta hand it to them.
Quote from: Reidme on October 15, 2006, 08:07:52 AM
Blind hookers ..... ya gotta hand it to them.
Pedophiles are farging immature iceholes.
Obscenity... the crutch of inarticulate mother fargers.
What did Tennesee?
She saw what Arkansaw
Die.
What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair.
Why don't congressmen use bookmarks? They bend the pages over.
Nice, Phanatic. :yay
A farmer from Vermont and a rancher from Texas are standing on the Vermont farmers property. "How big is your spread pard?" asks the rancher. "I own down to yonder tree line, over to the big rock and out to the road." the farmer replys. The rancher chuckles. "To see my spread I have to get in my truck and drive two hours east, turn left, drive over the mountians and another hour north, turn left, drive four hours west, turn south drive back over the mountians turn east and if I drive fast enough I can make it home for dinner."
The Vermonter says
"I had a truck like that once."
Quote from: Sgt PSN on October 16, 2006, 01:05:52 PM
Die.
Well I'm under the impression that this is a thread for bad jokes, which I have book-fulls of. But maybe I'm just finding the other jokes in this thread not funny. ???
What did Delaware?
She wore her New Jersey.
:yay
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
So I called in sick the other day but my boss said I didn't sound sick. So I told him I had just farged my sister and asked him if that was sick enough for him.....
So anyone hiring?
Q: What does a Cuban do when he his tire pops?
A: He Drowns.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats, right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, at the start of the game they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'
Delightful pun!
For Romey:
Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
Because his teacher was Haydn!
i desperately want you to fall down a set of stairs
chain email/joke I got today:
QuoteI never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on a couple different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy both. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I replied, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Why does Mike Tyson always have tears in his eyes when he makes love to a woman?
Mace.
What did the mexican say when his house fell one him?
Get off me, homes!
What did he say when his term paper blew away?
Come back, essay!
F-
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
I hope you all get vanerial diseases.
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Why don't black parents let their kids play in the sandbox?
Their afraid the cat will bury them...
What do you get when you cross pumpkins and rabbis together?
ORANGE JEWS!
Quote from: FastFreddie on March 22, 2007, 10:43:13 AM
What do you get when you cross pumpkins and rabbis together?
ORANGE JEWS!
kill yourself
Why can't you appreciate a delightful pun?
that's not a pun
yuh huh
it may be a pun by the weaker definition of "sounds like" but that's lame ass
What can a pizza man do that a black man cant?
Feed a family of four
:paranoid
What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?
A pizza doesnt scream when it goes into the oven
Two kids run down on Christmas morning. One has a bunch of presents while the other kid only has one.
The kid with a bunch of presents says, "haha, you only have one gift."
The kid with one gift replies, "haha, you have leukemia."
I can't ride my bike. It's two-tired.