Pretty funny:
QuoteMark Purdy | Owens would be a better neighbor than Moss
BY MARK PURDY
Knight Ridder Newspapers
SAN JOSE, Calif. - (KRT) - Today, I pose a hypothetical question. It will surely set off debate in Philosophy 101 classes from coast to coast. Either that, or it will spawn a reality TV show.
Which man would you rather have as your next-door neighbor - Randy Moss or Terrell Owens?
I know, I know. They're only football players. Who cares what Moss or Owens would be like as the guy on the other side of the hedge? Even if, in Moss' case, he might be smoking the hedge.
Well, I care. And from the attention the two of them are receiving, apparently I'm not alone.
These days we tend to experience our big-name athletes not merely as jocks, but as television characters starring in daily madcap adventures. We've spent the summer following the zany exploits of Owens, the wide receiver who wants more money from the Philadelphia Eagles and is determined to get as many groin pulls as possible to accomplish his goal.
Then, last week, Moss launched his own zany new situation comedy. In an interview for an HBO show, the new Raiders receiver said he has smoked marijuana as an NFL player, and that he still inhales some weed once "every blue moon."
Observing this silliness, it struck me that someplace, somewhere, somebody really actually has to share a property line with these guys. What if that somebody were me? Or you?
(Incidentally, if some TV network really does wish to turn this idea into a reality show, I won't sue them for stealing the premise. Heck, I'll even provide the title: "ReceiFear Factor!" Get it? Receiver? ReceiFear? All right, they can pick their own stupid name for the show.)
Anyway, let's pretend. Put yourself on the hypothetical spot. A real-estate agent knocks on your door. She tells you that the house adjoining your property has two potential buyers. And because the offers are identical, the seller has agreed to let you choose who will move in next door: Mr. Moss or Mr. Owens?
In making that decision, you would assess the pluses and minuses of each man's neighborly qualities. Going down the list:
Plus for Moss: He'd bring some really groovy brownies to the block-party buffet.
Minus for Moss: Your kids might eat the really groovy brownies at the block-party buffet.
Plus for Owens: When door-to-door salesmen come to the street, you could politely point them to T.O.'s house and tell them they never need permission to speak to Terrell before he speaks to them.
Minus for Owens: If a door-to-door salesman is selling cheerleader pompons, T.O. might buy three truckloads.
Plus for Moss: He's supposedly a very quiet guy at home. His residence in Florida is in a development full of retirees, and they never complain about wild parties. Of course, they may all be inhaling second-hand smoke and mellowing out.
Minus for Moss: You wouldn't want him to give you a lift to the airport, where there are traffic-control officers galore. Remember when he was with the Vikings, and he kept banging his car's fender against a Minneapolis officer's legs for half a block after she ordered him to stop? Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't there a scene just like that in a Cheech and Chong movie?
Plus for Owens: When T.O. creates a distraction, the media swallow it up and, at least in Philadelphia, put it on live television. This would be handy when picking a good time to back out of your driveway. Hey, honey, turn on the TV and see if Terrell is taking a break between his bench presses - I need to run out for a loaf of bread.
Minus for Owens: You would never, ever have the best abs on your block. :-D
Plus for Moss: If he follows his form from last year, when he abandoned his Vikings teammates and left the field before the end of a game, Randy would leave your dinner party prematurely, two minutes before you served dessert - which means you could eat his piece of pie yourself!
Minus for Moss: It would be necessary to keep your shades drawn at all times, for fear of what you might see. Any person who fakes a "mooning" as a touchdown celebration with such authenticity clearly has had experience at the real thing.
Plus for Owens: If he babysat your kids, as a handicraft project, he would have them all make T-shirts with pictures of their grandmother on them, for the next time ESPN interviews the kids on "SportsCenter."
Minus for Owens: Any time you purchased a new appliance for your house with a well-known logo, T.O. would run over and stand on top of it.
Plus for Moss: He has lovable new laundry. Two months ago, the NFL's merchandising arm reported that Moss' Raiders jersey was the league's bestselling shirt. (Owens' jersey was not in the top 10.)
Minus for Moss: The man is not a deep thinker. Saying that you once smoked dope is hardly a big deal in America. And smoking dope discreetly, in the privacy of your home, won't have the cops busting down your door. But you're pretty clueless if you say so on national television, thereby giving every football-playing teenager across America the license to puff away and tell his parent: "Hey, Dad, chill out, I'm just following the Randy plan." :-D
In the end, quite seriously, that last item would make my decision easy. Owens is a self-absorbed clown, but at least he has never been arrested or bragged about drug use. Forced to choose between the two, my pick would be Mr. Owens.
Yeesh. I can't believe I just wrote that. But yes, Regis, that is my final answer. If T.O. moved next door, I would welcome him with open arms. Only if he spoke to me first, of course.
You?
I'm starting to think these guys crave attention from the media so much, they start crap intentionally just to get noticed. That would be a good homework project....look through all the past media blitzes on Moss and Owens, and see if they weren't that far apart between controversies.... ???
This has nothing to do with football, and barely anything to do with the Eagles. Thread should be in the General section, or better yet, deleted.
Eh... it's ok. I've read funnier.
Quote from: Tomahawk on August 21, 2005, 08:52:55 PM
This has nothing to do with football, and barely anything to do with the Eagles. Thread should be in the General section, or better yet, deleted.
REgardless of what you think, it doesn't belong in the general section because its talking about an Eagle. :P 8)
It belongs on the EMB and nowhere else.
Quote from: General_Failure on August 21, 2005, 11:10:09 PM
It belongs on the EMB and nowhere else.
So do you. :P
Speaking of which....didn't we figure out a filter for "EMB" yet? ;)
I was thinking Samiland.
LOL- I thought that was a pretty funny read.
I'd take either one as a neighbor. Now that's entertainment.
Hello, Bluey. :-*
I wouldn't care if either was my neighbor. Why? Because if I'm living next to one of them, that means I'm a rich mother farger.
Straight cash, homey.
'Ello Phreaky. :)
Or is that Phreakizzle mah nizzle?
You can call me whatever you like ;)
:puke
It's an easy decision, Moss is the answer. Moss can co-exist w/old people in Fla that means he's chill. TO will have helicopters and throngs of media by your house. Not to mention Drew popping by. That alone closes the discussion for me :puke
Quote from: JailBird-man on August 22, 2005, 09:54:05 AM
It's an easy decision, Moss is the answer. Moss can co-exist w/old people in Fla that means he's chill.
old people?
He lives in a gated community chock full of geriatrics. Was discussed at length in the SI interview a couple of months ago.
He lives in gated community of retirees.....
Quote from: PhillyGirl on August 22, 2005, 09:55:38 AM
Quote from: JailBird-man on August 22, 2005, 09:54:05 AM
It's an easy decision, Moss is the answer. Moss can co-exist w/old people in Fla that means he's chill.
old people?
moss im sure holds weight...and that would be convienant to have next door
but if TO is still banging felicia then he would get my vote...id love to be her neighbor
ah, ok...however, TO is good with the old people too..lol. He spends a lot of time with Alzheimer's patients and his grandmother. ;)
I would have thought it was because all the old people would have plenty of pot laying around that they smoke for their glaucoma.
Moss only lives in a retirement community so he can score some medicinal cheeb from octogenarians with glaucoma "once in a blue moon".
Edit: Damn! Sarge beat me by 45 seconds... :-D
Hahaha. Sorry Charlie, you are tooooooo slow. ;)
And no Farging Rosenhaus barbecues! :boom
Quote from: ice grillin you on August 22, 2005, 10:10:14 AM
moss im sure holds weight...and that would be convienant to have next door
but if TO is still banging felicia then he would get my vote...id love to be her neighbor
And no Farging Rosenhaus barbecues!
i actually find rosenhaus quite amusing...he doesnt bother me at all like he does a lot of people...hes not even like a real person...hes forever in movie character mode