Q: How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Wouldn't a more relevant question be "How many pounds of cocaine has Bush
snorted?"
:-D
I don't even know how a Bush-hater would find that overly funny, let alone start a new joke thread just to share that one. I mean, the answer could have to do with the Clinton's weed and/or skank habits, and I still wouldn't find it funny. Got any not unfunny jokes to share, MURP? Thanks in advance.
Oh stop. Don't turn a joke thread into a political debate. There are just as many CLinton jokes as there are Bush jokes and Dems and Reps all laugh at them the same.
Where's NB when you need him. Wait...when actually would you need him?
Just to make FF feel all warm and fuzzy:
Clinton and the Genie
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."
And more just for you (http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokeclintononeliners.htm)
Now THAT'S funny. :-D :-D
That was mildly amusing, because I hadn't heard it before (and because Bill is awesome compared to Hillary).
I just didn't think the Bush joke was very funny, because all the "coke" jokes have been played out by now. Maybe if word of his snortin' days had just broken recently or something, but...
Anyway. I've shared it with others, including a couple liberal-leaning people, and they didn't get why it's so funny. One of those jokes where you could easily replace the punchline with almost any crack on anyone.
There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag ..."
I heard that parachute joke with many, many different people taking the knapsack over the years. Reagan first.
I thought it was funny.
Yeah, but you're still drunk.
Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares their dogs.
Why do farts smell?
So the deaf can enjoy them too.
Quote from: Yeti on August 03, 2005, 06:23:59 PM
Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares their dogs.
:-D :-D :-D
I had a couple good ones, but some people may take offense to it so I shall not say them.
Quote from: Dillen37 on August 03, 2005, 08:43:36 PM
Quote from: Yeti on August 03, 2005, 06:23:59 PM
Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares their dogs.
:-D :-D :-D
I had a couple good ones, but some people may take offense to it so I shall not say them.
I doubt most people on this board would take offense to your blind people jokes, hell most of the blind folks I know dont even read this board.
A 6 year old walks into the kitchen where his mom is cooking and says, Mom the last few nights I woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?
The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says Your dad is a little over weight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him. the kid shakes his head and says, You're wasting your time, When you go to work the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again.
I dropped this one in another thread, but I like it so much I'll leave it here, too:
Q: What is a Freudian slip?
A: It's when you mean one thing but you say your mother.
Quote from: PhillyGirl on August 03, 2005, 06:03:07 PM
There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag ..."
Would it have been too much to ask for you to atleast update the joke? ::) ;)
Quote from: hbionic on August 03, 2005, 07:21:17 PM
Why do farts smell?
So the deaf can enjoy them too.
You already posted that in one of the old joke threads. Putz. :P
Who died and made you the Joke Police?
The previous Joke Police Chief, who's now dead. Duh.
What did the hot blonde say to the Michael Jackson at the beach???
Get out of my son! >:D :evil >:D
Quote from: JailBird-man on August 31, 2005, 05:26:45 PM
What did the hot blonde say to the Michael Jackson at the beach???
Get out of my son! >:D :evil >:D
Yeah, like there's a hot blond who has kids......
A guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm, sees his wife and says with a sneer: "this is the pig I have been farging for the last five years." His wife says: "you're so stupid! That's not a pig, it's a duck." He says: " I was talking to the duck."
Q: Whats the difference between a zit and a priest?
A: The zit waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Q: What's the differance between T-Hawk and a catholic boy?
A: Nothing if you like swallowing a priest's load.
Q. What is the President's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A. Bush doesn't really care how you get out of New Orleans.
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon
as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more
holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best
61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game
by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and
asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you? - I hope you're proud of yourself! - While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your
wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care - And you'll be her
care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more than
two hours ago - What'd you shoot?"
good one, ff. :-D
It's probably the best e-mail forward I've received in a while. Props to my buddy Don.
Golf is for Romes.
Interesting... I didn't know you played! What's your handicap?
people who dont play golf have no coordination....shame for you rj...get involved
i just got new clubs.
Golf is a game, not a sport. It's a pastime for rich fargs and idiots who worship them and their money. There are still clubs where blacks aren't welcome.
Golf can suck it.
Websters
sport: an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature, as racing, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc.
nothing beats going out on the course for 5 hours away from the wife, drinking beers and gambling on each hole. When you can pick up a club and can hit a ball, you'll know what I mean...until then...
While arguing about the merits of golf is in and of itself a joke, it's not the same as telling a joke.
Now, someone make me laugh. FF's joke was hilarious.
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says 'Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-f$cking-believable!"
thats not as much of a joke, as say an incedibly boring story
What do you call a gay guy in a wheel chair?
Roll AIDS.
1. A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an announcement on the intercom. Putting the mike down, he hits the Off switch. Uknown to him, the switch is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the passenger area. "Take over for awhile, Dave," the pilot says to his co-pilot. "I think I'll go take a shtein and then bang that newstewardess." At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarrassed and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries toward the cockpit. But in her haste she trips and falls to her knees in the aisle. She happens to land next to a sweet little old lady, who turns to
help her up. As she does, the lady says sweetly, "Don't rush, dear; he said he had to take a shtein first."
2. A black man died and started walking to heaven. In front of him, the road split. One sign read "Straight to Heaven;" the other said "Straight To Purgatory." He strolled right up the road, "Straight to Heaven," to the Pearly Gates.
"Just a minute!" said Saint Peter. "You have to have done something pretty special to go straight to heaven. What have you done?" "I married a white woman on the courthouse steps in Bainbridge, Georgia," the black man proudly replied. "That is pretty special," agreed Saint Peter. "When did you do that?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago!"
Quote from: Wingspan on August 25, 2006, 12:37:06 PM
thats not as much of a joke, as say an incedibly boring story
like I said Carlin, you bang one out so we can all can critique the beauties up your sleeve