Bitches be fighting it out

Started by Father Demon, March 27, 2008, 12:42:50 PM

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Which 13 chicks should be in the Babe-off?

Brittany Snow (actress)
6 (24%)
Brittney Spears (US psycho)
4 (16%)
courtny cox (US actress)
9 (36%)
Cristina Scabbia (Irish Goth Singer)
10 (40%)
Erin Andrews (Sports reporter)
18 (72%)
Gemma Atkinson (UK actress)
16 (64%)
Gina Gershon (45 year old US actress)
15 (60%)
Gwen Stefani (US singer)
9 (36%)
Isla Fisher (Australian actress)
12 (48%)
Jennifer Aniston (US actress)
12 (48%)
Julianne Hough (Dancing with the Stars chick)
5 (20%)
Keeley Hazell (UK Page 3 Girl)
15 (60%)
Krista Allen (US soap actress)
11 (44%)
Lindsay Lohan (US Actress)
13 (52%)
Lucy Pinder (Big boobed UK model)
16 (64%)
Mary Elizabeth Winstead (US actress)
10 (40%)
Meagan Good (US actress)
14 (56%)
Mya (US singer)
11 (44%)
Paris Hilton (US slut)
6 (24%)
Patricia Arquette (US actress)
6 (24%)
Paula Patton (US actress)
2 (8%)
Rosalyn Sanchez (grammy awarded singer)
22 (88%)
Sarah Shahi (US actress, plus a Dallas cheerleader)
15 (60%)
stacey dash (US actress)
21 (84%)
Zooey Deschanel (US actress)
9 (36%)

Total Members Voted: 25

Sgt PSN

Nope, just a healthy one.  5'8" 137.  Thick hips, juicy ass and a slender waistline.  She looks alot like Ashley Blue. 

phattymatty


SunMo

i think you mean the Blue Meanie
I'm the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood.

Rome

I think Sassy has blue balls from not getting any.

Diomedes

looking at these results, i think I need to start fifteen new accounts to rectify that shtein
There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." - Yosemite Park Ranger

Rome

A word to the wise... if you do a Google image search for Ashley Blue, make sure of two things.


First - make sure no one else is in the room (like your wife, for instance).

Second - make sure SafeSearch is on.  A lot.


SunMo

I'm the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood.

SunMo

I'm the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood.

Diomedes

gis search first result for Ashley Blue

There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." - Yosemite Park Ranger

Rome

I clicked on one of the photos and came across this... it's really long but I don't give a farg.  It's funny as shtein.

QuoteTop 10 Reasons Why I Hate Fake Lesbian Porno



On some level, all porn is ridiculous, even the really excellent smut. But it's something that helps us masturbate, and orgasms are pleasurable, and pleasure has value, so there is always someone, somewhere, who appreciates even the most atrocious porn. So I apologize to that one sheltered person for ripping on fake lesbian porno.

Don't get me wrong. Following the downhill push for extremity that has twisted American porn overall, girly smut has come a long way in the past few years. There are some really good, aggressive all-girl series that even I could almost jack off to. The Girl Crazy line is pretty farging hot. Girlvert made me a big fan of Ashley Blue's dyke skills. If Mason's Dirty Trixxx hadn't been directed by a woman, I don't think the video's sexual violence would've been so readily stomached. And Red Light's creatively named Girl on Girl series isn't too shabby either. There is some good lesbian shtein out there.

But most of it is absolute crap. I resent having to watch so much of it. It's an offense to my eyes and my sexuality. Come on, bitches. Any girl working in the porn business, whether in front of the camera or in an office like mine, has farged chicks before. For a foot in the door, money, attention, Hoyda lust or for pure drunken entertainment, we've all gone down on that road.

That being said, here's my main beef with zesty lesbian smut: If I can take a girl home, farg the shtein out of her, make her cum and leave her happy, then what the hell is wrong with you, bitches? I love cock! I bow down to it. Cock is the Total God of me. I've had sex with plenty of girls, so maybe I'm a little more perverted and tenacious than you, bitches. But the fact is that I am straight up straight.

Answer me this, bitches: If a fleshpop devotee like myself can figure out that all clitori pretty much require the same kind of stimulation that mine does, then why - you eighteen-year-old Californian cretins, with your sexual boundary issues and your ass tattoos and your daddy deficits and your navel rings and those cheap plastic stripper shoes - shouldn't you? We're watching you.

If you don't know how to eat a Hoyda, why are you trying to eat one? And why don't you try a little harder? It's your JOB. That girl's dirty crotch is bringing home your bacon. If you want to do porn without eating Hoyda, there's no shame in that! But please, just go straight to the 5-man gang bangs. Skip the snatch. I am tired of watching you Hoyda amateurs trying to act like you enjoy screwing around with girls. Here, bitches, is a list of what needs to stop:

1. Fake French Kissing
When porn chicks start making out, you can tell immediately if they're really into it. Look for the tongue action. Unless there's some hot lip-tease or full-mouth exploration with hair pulling and ass grabbing, the bitches are faking it.

2. Fake Nipple Licking
It's easy to dab your tongue on a girl's nipple. My cat can do that. But if you really want to taste a tit, you stuff the whole breast into your mouth, as far as it will go. This nipple air-lick thing doesn't even feel good in real foreplay. Suck those titties all the way down, bitches!

3. Fake Hoyda Licking
This is the worst and most common offense in lipstick porn. When your is face crammed in some girl's funhole, EAT IT. Don't wiggle your tongue back and forth, hovering over her bits. Bury your face and use your nose, bitches! There's a reason why God put it above your mouth. If the taste doesn't suit your palate, then get the farg out of the scene and go suck some cock.

4. Fake Ass Eating
Bitches, when the director tells you to lick a woman's icehole, here's what to do: Spread her ass apart, nibble on those tight cheeks, give 'em a funky slap, then point out your tongue and slide it around or into her sphincter. iceholes don't taste like cherries, bitches. That's where the poop comes out. But if you're getting paid to eat she-butt, then eat it with a smile.

5. Fake Hoyda Bumping
Now, because I enjoy sex, this is not something I'd try in my personal lesbian life. But I have bumped my vagina into things (i.e. an accident involving the sharp corner of a couch; also a painful biking incident) and it didn't feel good. I admit that when two gals put on a scissor-farging show, it looks pretty. But you're giving men the wrong impression, bitches. Smashing pelvic bones together is painful. Men need to know this before they start trying to pound your vaginal area with their elbows.

6. Fake Orgasms
Bitches, I know this unfortunate video phenomenon isn't exclusive to girly sex. The lack of real female climax is one of the most damaging issues with all pornography. But the majority of porn involves heterosexuals. In real life, it takes a while for a man to learn the finer points of clitoral stimulation. Most men don't know where the G-spot is, or what to do with it, and most men believe that most women can easily reach orgasm through penetration alone. Stupid, lying porno.

But men are kind of dumb, bitches. Just imagine the damage caused by two girls faking orgasms in a lesbian video! They watch you ladies hump a giant dong that doesn't fit inside either vagina. Thirty seconds later, they see you screaming your heads off, yelling about God and cum and yes this and yes that, all because you really don't like girls and you want the scene to end quickly.

You selfish, selfish bitches. You've just caused some kind-hearted girlfriend to fake her own orgasm, because poor little Johnny thinks she can get off on a one-minute penetration with his poor little Johnson. Bad, bitches! Bad!

7. Fake Hoyda Slapping
The first time I saw a pornstar slap some Hoyda, I was about ten years old. I thought this must be some kind of delicious sexual stimulation. So when I started masturbating, naturally, I tried smacking my privates with my palm. It didn't feel good.

It took me many years of farging to understand that Hoyda slapping is a cop-out act for porno girls who don't want their faces near another girl's vagina. This is another instance of pornographic confusion. Bitches, you must remember that what you do on camera will serve to teach your viewers what copulation involves. For every Hoyda you slap, I wish ten hard whacks upon your own. Lousy fakers.

8. Fake Strap-on farging
The art of mastering a strap-on is actually tough work. I know this. So I can't hold you bitches entirely responsible for its misuse. Most of the time, I'm sure some seedy porn director hands you a plastic bin full of sex toys and tells you to get to work. A sturdy, well-fitted harness is hard to find, and learning to maneuver the dong properly takes study and practice. This is where your fault lies.

I can forgive your novice for at least three videos. But after that, you either do your homework (you can start with studying Jenna Jameson or Carmen Luvana, both of whom are strap-on naturals), or you go home to daddy. If you'd practice with your strap-ons, bitches, you might find that you actually enjoy it! farging girls is pretty fun.

9. Fake Squirting
Again, this phony act is not exclusive to lesbian porn. But, as we discussed in issue number six, fake squirting is more damaging between two girls because viewers assume that women know how to please women because they have the vagina in common, and are therefore demonstrating real pleasure.

The difference between fake squirting and real female ejaculation is about a gallon of water. When you fill up your farg-holes with a water douche and then proceed to spray down the girl who claims to be conquering your G-spot, all you're doing is confusing people. You confused me for several years before I caught on to you, you sopping fools.

10. Fake Pleasing
Bitches, this is the most important lesson you will ever learn as a fake lesbian pornstar: If you don't know what you're doing with or to another girl, get one of these and use it. It's only twenty bucks, and I promise it works. If you can't figure that out, get out of porno and go back to stripping.

Thank you, bitches.

Sgt PSN


mussa

erin andrews is not that hot. just cause she's a philly fan doesn't make her anymore attractive. god help you people.
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ice grillin you

i can take a phrase thats rarely heard...flip it....now its a daily word

igy gettin it done like warrick

im the board pharmacist....always one step above yous

SunMo

I'm the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood.

phattymatty

if you saw her on the street, theres probably a few girls just as hot if not hotter nearby.  that being said, i love her.  it's the whole package with her, not just the hotness.  she gets interviewed down here fairly regularly by one of the local sports shows and she seems super cool to hang around with.  and then bone.