MLB's All Cokehead Team

[PhillyPhreak54]

Pretty funny

When I think about what makes America great, I immediately think of two things: Baseball and cocaine.

Yes, like mom and apple pie, nose candy and baseball represent all that is good with this great land of ours. Teamwork, hustle, desire, and the ability to stay up all night banging whores and listening to Parliament Funkadelic albums is what truly makes the US of A the greatest country in the world.

A select few of America's finest have had the ability to sublimely blend the best of both worlds; to both cut toot and stretch a double into a triple.

The 1970's dawned a new era in Major League Baseball. The previous generation's players had been ravenous alcoholics. They boozed until the wee hours of the morning and then fought their hangovers off with ample amounts of amphetamines before game time, only to start the cycle anew once the final out had been recorded. This way of thinking was challenged by the young players of the '70's. They wouldn't be saddled with hangovers caused by alcohol, the drug of their parent's generation.

No, they would ride the white dragon and trip the light fantastic, arriving at the ball park with energy abound and an itchy nose.

With a tip of the cap and a runny nasal cavity, The Phat Phree salutes these paranoid warriors with the MLB All-Coke Head Team:

Our second member from the St. Louis Cardinals 1982 World Series championship team (this will be a trend here), Hernandez was able to parlay his slick fielding first basemen's mitt into another World Series title with the 1986 New York Mets (you'll see more of them later, too). Keith's penchant for the coke is supposedly the reason for him being sent to New York from St Louis, as the Cardinals front office got sick of small Columbian boys pooping out balloons in their clubhouse. Keith later fell victim to one of the side effects of massive recreational drug use: finding Julia Louis Dreyfus attractive.

[rjs246]

After growing up under the bat shtein crazy eye of his father Yogi, Dale Berra really had no choice but to start using coke. You try being raised by a man who not only was a famous athlete, but also made a living after baseball by just being ridiculous. Plus, Mickey Mantle was probably always over at their house, drunk off his ass and yelling about blow jobs. God, I could use a rail or two just thinking about it. I don't blame you, Dale. Gotta ease the pain somehow.

Ha!

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

OF: TIM "ROCK" RAINES

Urban legend states that Raines got the nickname "Rock" because he used to keep a vial of crack cocaine in his back pocket. That is also the reason why he would only dive head first... because he did not want to break the VIAL OF CRACK IN HIS BACK POCKET.

Ha!!

[MDS]

[Feva]

DH: PEDRO GUERRERO

Ol' Pedey was a prolific slugger back in the '80's. He was also legally retarded (IQ of 70) and had more than a passing interest in coke. In 2000, Guerrero was acquitted of federal drug charges because his attorneys argued that he was so dumb it was impossible for him to understand the drug deal he was involved in with a friend. A few years later, Miami police would be called to the home of one O.J. Simpson after The Juice found his girlfriend going to town with Pedey and a bag of snow.

PR: LONNIE SMITH
 
I'm not going to lie... Cocaine makes you faster than you would normally be. Would Lonnie have stolen 370 bases in his career if marijuana was his drug of choice and not ghost powder? No, he would have been too busy playing Intellivision, drinking New York Seltzer, eating Pringles and listening to The Steve Miller Band.